Exams

Yes, the stress of exams.

'Specially when one is dumb and does not study...Yes, one like me.

Such is life, though it doesn't have to be if I decided to smarten up and do my studying.

My first one went alright, I am not so sure about the other 3 though. Especially the one this afternoon. I do have a really good grade going in, I am just scared what I am going to have coming out.

I guess I can just pray and cram. I tend to remember stuff when I study just before, but there is a lot to remember.

Yay, only 5 more sleeps.

Sad, I am going to miss my friends here. I have never really had to deal with this, so it is kind of strange. I will survive, and as Mama Bean says, learn from it. Life is just one big learning process.

I like it that way.

Passive-aggression is hurtful and should be avoided at all costs, as I have recently learned.

I can't wait to get my cat. I am so excited. She is going to be so cute. And I am going to be in my own place.

I just need a job...

I love Mama Bean

looking glass into me

Sensitive. Am I sensitive? I think so. Others think so. It makes me a better person, a better friend, a better boyfriend, and hopefully one day a better husband. Maybe even better in bed, but that isn’t as important. I hope all of these things are true. That it does make me better. I have always been told that women are sensitive. Men aren’t. Men are brutish. That is what society says, and for he most part it is true. So what happened to me? Why do I have all these feminine characteristics? Does it make me special?

Is it a blessing or a curse?

Most of the time it is a blessing. I like being a better friend. A better boyfriend. The latter being the most important to me. I want nothing more than to be the best boyfriend that I can be. Sometimes I think I try to hard, but for the most part I think I am doing alright. The sensitiveness really helps in that respect. I like being sensitive to other peoples needs. I like making them feel special. Putting them first. I talk so much about putting myself first, about being about me. I am so much talk. Yes, I am important. But others are more important. Life is all about putting others before me. Not just anyone mind you. Only certain people. People like Jo, and Sam, and Andrew. Friendships that mean something to me. I would drop personal things to help them anytime, and I do. So often. It may end up having a negative impact on my life, because I neglected something I should have been doing to help the other person, but I really don’t care. I think that is where my infinitesimal amount of patience and lack of getting stressed out come in handy. Most people don’t understand. Why I do these kinds of things. I have never really thought about it before either. Not like I am know. I really like this whole write things down thing. It is great for the mind.

If I didn’t have ppl to put before me, I don’t know what would happen.

Sometimes being sensitive makes life very difficult. Especially when I need to be put first. When I need someone to be there for me, but they can’t because they have their own stuff to do. Granted, that stuff is important to them. It needs to get done, or whatever. But since I don’t do that, it is hard for me to understand at times. For the most part I do alright, but sometimes I slip, and forget that not everyone is like me. Which is good. I wouldn’t want everyone to be like me. If everyone were as sensitive as I am, the world would be a very screwed up place. It isn’t that I mind being sensitive. It just hurts sometimes. I am learning though. It can be a tough process sometimes, but that is allowed. I think it makes me a stronger person. Being sensitive hurts. I tend to take more things personally, I internalize things, and the worst, I worry. I have these crazy worrying fits. It is awful. I can’t help myself. They just creep out of nowhere, from thoughts and reasonings that are unfounded. It is times like that when I don’t like the whole sensitive thing.

So many people view being sensitive as a one-way street. Sensitive people are great, they listen, they care. But they are also sensitive in their feelings. It takes less to hurt them. At least me anyway. I don’t know where this ‘they’ came from. Just me trying to incorporate others I think. Like when I tell stories, and use ‘you’, when it is a story about me. Something anyone else would just brush off might bother me. It is really annoying. Some people are really good at taking this into consideration. People that realize and care about you. People like Jo. She is the most amazingest when it comes to being sensitive. I think it is because she is a sensitive person herself.

So is this all about self-pity? Is that why I am writing this? I think that is what it is coming across as. Though all I am trying to do is discover who I am. Not like it really matters, I am just writing down my feelings at this particular juncture. I had never really thought about it until Mama Bean said I was sensitive yesterday on the phone, and how it makes me a better person, boyfriend, etc’ I think that was one of the best compliments I have received in a long time. It was really sweet. Like I am sure other people notice, but it is nice to be told.

I think I like feedback. And belonging to something. I think that is why I wanted/want to join the army. Because I would belong to something. A community. I would also get feedback, on everything I do. I would either get yelled at or praised. That is what the army is all about. I think I am all about that. I love people telling me how I am doing. What I can improve. I want to be the best I can be. Man, I sound like a commercial for the American Army. But it is true. All through school, I loved it when people told me how I was doing. In swimming. Not so much in weightlifting. Though this one little boy in the change room after teaching lessons told me something that is my driving force behind working out. I was standing there in my shorts, taking off my lifeguard muscle shirt, and he was standing on the other side, and asked, ‘Are you a muscle man?’ In that little boy voice, full of admiration. I will never forget that. I have never felt more special then I did at that moment. Well I have in different ways, but never like that. I was thinking to myself, ‘I work out for me, but it is comments like that that keep me going.’ See if it was an older guy or something that said it, like the guys here do all the time, saying I am a big guy, or man are you huge, it wouldn’t have been a big deal. At the time I hadn’t really noticed that I was gaining much size. This little guy woke me up to the change. I loved it. One little boy’s comments. Changed my life.

I love this writing out my thoughts and feelings thing. I used to do it on paper, but it was so much slower. I couldn’t write them down near as fast as I can think. I can’t type fast enough either, but it is a lot better. I can see some of the things I say as not making a lot of sense to other people, or causing them to think I am a nut, or selfish or what-not. But you know what? That is okay. These are my thoughts. So if anyone reads this, and doesn’t like it, they can ask me right? Maybe I am taking a risk by writing certain things. Anybody can read this, I figure if they want to read what I think, Yay! But don’t read too much into things. Now I am just rambling, about absolutely nothing of any importance, though most is this probably is, to others anyway, well, some to me too, but I enjoy it, and I will continue to do. It is like a looking glass into me. The real me.

I am glad I am a sensitive person. It makes me the person that I am. I can feel good about myself, knowing that I am putting others before me. Making them feel special. Yes, it sucks getting hurt, but I deal with it, learn from it, and move on. I can’t dwell on things or it would kill me.

What is with Christianity and focusing on the fall? I don’t understand this. God created us. For that we are good. Yes we fell, but that is why Jesus came, TO SAVE US! So we are fine again. Good. I just don’t understand this whole unworthy stint. How is a self-defeating attitude like that healthy? I don’t think God wants us to be like that. He made us in a like-ness of Him. Does that not make us good? Not unworthy. How can we be unworthy, He created us. He wouldn’t go and create something that is unworthy. And we are supposed to convince other people to come to Christ with an attitude like this? I think ppl that think like that need to open their eyes. Like is good. We are good. Y? ‘Cause God created us. The other day in chapel, our prez. Of student council was telling us about this dream he had, about a year ago. They were like visions or something. Like alright, it was all well and good, realy emotional for him and others. But he said he looked up at one point, to the feet of Jesus on the cross. But he couldn’t look any higher, he wasn’t worthy enough to look at God’s awesomeness. Y not? I think we can look Him straight in the eye. He created us, why would he not want us to look at Him. It is like in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, where God comes out of the sky, and they are all averting their eyes and saying they are unworthy and God says He is sick of that. It is just like that. This whole relationship with Him, how these people view it, is like a master and slave relationship, like in the 1800’s in the states. That is not the kind of relationship we want, nor is it the kind He wants, that I am sure. He is this amazing, awesome, kind God. Not wrathful or whatnot. So why then would He not want us to look at Him. To talk to Him, as almost equals. Yes, He created us, and for that we are eternally greatful, but did Adam and Eve not walk with Him, and talk to Him whilst in the garden? They must have looked at Him. Seen His face. I am just sick of this whole self-defeating thing. We are not going to win others to Christ in this manner. Nobody wants to be unworthy. We need to start feeling better about our selves.

Just some thoughts. I am still trying to work it out in my head. One day it will come together. Maybe I could find some books on it’.Hmmm’

Random thoughts:

Walking through the ghetto at 5:30am is scary.

Winter is finally here. Yay! We finally have crunchy snow, and it is cold. Maybe soon I will get into the Christmas attitude. I haven’t yet and it kinda sucks.

I miss Mama Bean and can’t wait to see her.

Relationships are all about communication and dialogue.

Why can I not have a considerate roommate? One that knows how to close the door when he leaves, if I have it closed. One that doesn’t walk around sounding like a herd of elephants.

I am hungry, I think I am going to go for lunch.

I don’t like days when I don’t get to hear the sound of Jo’s voice.

I was going to write this one, and not say anything about what I don’t like about the world. So much for that. Maybe next time.

feeling like shit

all i want right now is to find a dark corner and curl up and die. my insides are revolting against something. what I don't know...they are convulsing, and writhing. Can I please curl up and die? Who I am asking this of i know not, and who answers I care not. I just don't want to deal with this. I am freezing cold, but actually really hot. My whole body feels like it wants to die. I am dead. There is no energy. how I am typing this i really don't know. i missed class, and now I am prolly going to miss my next one as well.

Why must one feel this way? So utterly like shit. As my stomach starts churning again.

I want someone to hold me. No, I want Mama Bean to hold me. I am going to go curl up on my bed and wish that she was holding me. I have a good imagination.

...

yay for feeling like shit

Movies to sleep

Movies are amazing things. In a matter of a few hours, they can bring you from joy to tears and back again without ever affecting your life in any significant way. They mess with your emotions. It is ingenious. No wonder movies, and TV are used in propaganda. Last night, I watched Monsters Inc. (Awesome movie, Boo is the cutest thing ever, one day I will have one) One moment I am laughing, and the next I am almost in tears. There is edge of the seat excitement and... I am not sure. It is late and I am losing my train of thought. When I was in the shower this was sounding so awesome. Now, I think I am just half asleep and wanting to go to bed.

Movies just amaze me. The way they play with our emotions, it is like we are some sort of toys. At one point I was almost giggling because Boo is so cute, and at the end I almost started crying because Sully had to put her back into her room and shred the door.

Maybe I am just a sissy, but that is alright, I don't really mind. I think it just means that I am better able to enjoy movies. If I can experience such a wide range of emotions, that is pretty awesome. Just think of how many guys out there that think they are all tough, that they can't cry in movies. Or cry preiod for that matter. It is rather unfortunate. People these days need to get in touch with their feelings, this world is so cold. We need a little emotion in our lives that isn't anger or impatience.

I am quite happy to be in touch with mine. Sissy or not, I experience life much more fully than many people. I almost feel sorry for them. I still remember the first time I cried in a movie. Grade 2, at the end of "The Little Mermaid" when she is sailing away with her new husband and the mer-people are waving good-bye. I quickly made the comment that there was something in my eye and left the classroom. Even sitting at home watching Armageddon with my family I was brought to tears, and growing up in a society where it is bad for men to display that emotion, I left the room, dryed my eyes and returned. How sad is that? I have just come to this conclusion as I am writing this. It is amazing what strange and wonderful revelations come to one so early in the morning/late at night.

So I have decided, if a movie makes me cry, then so be it. I will cry. I don't have to justify my feelings to others. I will give them my reasoning, but i am certain that it may not sound right to them, as it does go against cultural norms. But I spit *ppt* on cultural norms. We don't need them anyway.

I miss Jo.

Only 12 more sleeps.

Spontaneous flowers work wonders for making Mama Bean feel special.

I love making Mama Bean feel special. (cause she is, she just doesn't realize it all the time, that is why I am around)

I love Jo.

I hate living in dorms.

I need privacy.

I want a cat when I move back to Calgary. If not, I will pretend I have one.

Kittens/Cats remind me of Jo.

Cute and cuddly one moment, Grown-up, intellectual and sophisticated the next. (that's why I love her)

I want to have a little gil like Boo.

Maybe I can suprise Mama Bean with other fun things before coming home. Just to get her excited to see me.

I am excited about seeing Jo. I miss her so much.

Talking to Mama Bean is the most specialist part of my day. I can't wait to get back and talk to her for hours and hours. I need to make up for all of our time apart.

Sometimes I get scared about her leaving.

Pawn shops are amazing places to buy fun things.

Bass guitars are sexy.

I want to learn how to play bass. (will that make me sexy?)

I now own a shirt and tie, and I look good. *smile* I am hoping Mama Bean thinks so anyway

I am in a giddy mood, though I think that the moment I lay down my head I will be asleep.

Good Nite

I love how these things always start off about one thing and end on another

Peaceful sun to sad about the world

Mmmm....I love the sun. So peaceful. I could just sit here for hours. Curl up on my bed, a soft beam of morning sunlight shining across my bed...

On my way to breakfast this morning, it was... breathtaking? The temperature wasn't cold, or hot, but it was like...I just couldn't feel it. It is like there was no temperature. The sun was just coming up, making the clouds pink. It was casting this pinkish, orangeish, redish glow over everything. It was so nice. It was still sort of dusk, and just amazing.

I could have just sat down, right there in the middle of the sidewalk. Wrap a blanket around me, and just curl up right there.

I never used to want to do things like that. But since meeting this girl of mine, she has put these ideas in me. Curling up. Napping. Things that are oh so nice.

I love the way the sun shines into my room in the morning. It is so warming, despite the draft from my window.

I am in a very strange mood this morning. I haven't really had to deal with anyone yet. Alastair was here, but left, which is nice. I don't feel like being patient yet. I just want time for me. To sit here. Enjoy the sun. Write my thoughts. Listen to my music. Ohhh...I have a baseboard heater at my feet and it just turned on....mmmmm...so nice.

Sitting here, listening to cheesy mellow 80's love songs. *laugh* Air Supply. Gotta love 'em.

I don't want to go out and face the world today. I want to live today in my own little world. Thinking about whatever. Writing down odd thoughts. Vegging physically, but not mentally.

I love sitting and thinking. About anything and everything. From the way that a pen is so amazing because the ink doesn't just pour out, to the reason for existence. Theological, eschatological, philosophical. It is all so interesting. Oh how I long for knowledge. To learn, and to make certain ppl happy. That is the reason I am here. It must be. Those are the things that give me the most joy.

There is so much sadness in our world today. We live in such a modern world, yet around the world people are dying due to malnutrition. We have enough food here to feed them, yet we don't. We can't send our excess to them. That would cause prices to fluctuate, and we can't have that. The whole idea of a capitalist system is to screw over others. There is a big drought in Ethiopia right now. They figure a couple of million ppl may die due to it. Due to starvation, and basic health problems that we could fix so easily. Things like diarrehea. I get it and I think it sucks, they get it and it is a life or death situation. What kind of a world are we living in? If we live in a civilized world why then do people insist on killing each other over land. It is fucking land people. Maybe I don't understand what is going on, but there are other ways. But no, let's pillage, rape and kill women and children. If we kill the civilians it will weaken them. What kind of a fucking world do we live in? Over here in Canada we can ignore it all. We don't have to pay attention to the rest of the world. We can just live our own little lives, oblivious to the rest of the world's problems. We have our own problems. Hmmm...should I have steak or a roast for supper? Ouch, I broke a nail. My brand new Lexus' wiper on the headlight won't work. Stupid insignificant shit. I just don't understand it.

Since I started working in the caf, I have seen so much food thrown out. There are ppl here in Regina that are starving. Kids going to school without breakfast and without a lunch, because the family doesn't have enough money to feed them properly, and we are throwing out all this food...*shake my head* I just don't get it.

I really don't.

Maybe one day...maybe one day.

I am not mad. just sad. but still in a state of peace.

Love

You know what the worlds biggest stress reliever is? The sound of Jo's voice. There just seems to be this magical quality about it.

I can be having the most rotten day of my life, and pick up the phone, hear Jo's voice, and it all melts away. It is truly amazing. It happened last night. There were a hundred billion people in my room, it was noisy, I was trying to work on my paper, and out of nowhere my phone rings. It was my Jo. I left the room, called her back, and every care just flew out the window. Stress level went down to zero, and my patience level went up. It was awesome.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails... And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8, 13 (NIV)

I think this is my new favorite verse in the bible. It describes exactly how I feel about love. It takes my feelings and puts them into words. It is like finding that perfect card for someone, that expresses your feelings perfectly, except this does it so much better. I never knew it could be put into words. When I first read it yesterday, I was struck dumb. I couldn't believe it.

I think I am in a really lovey mood today. It is a nice feeling, though it does make me miss jo. I like having days like these and being able to share them with her. It is like a special connection. One even more so than usual.

I miss Mama Bean today. And I am going to miss some of my friends here when I leave. It is a nice feeling to know that you will be missed when you leave a place. It makes you feel special.

I love Jo, and I miss her, but only for 15 more sleeps. Yay!

Now to go out into the fun and exciting world of CBC...

Ranting (1st Post Ever)

I hate my roommate!

He is the most inconsiderate person to ever walk the face of this Earth, and what is worse is the fact that he THINKS he is considerate. He was talking about it the other day, saying how we are good roommates because we are so considerate. ARG! He just pisses me off. I am sitting in here, on my computer working on a paper, listeing to my music. My music isn't very loud because I was busy concentrating, and he comes in, he doesn't know how to walk quietly, he is always stomping, turns on his computer, and starts playing music. Then he turns it up. I should have slapped him. After about 5 min, he leaves. Music blaring, he went to the gym to play volleyball. This guy is the biggest, most useless, fuck ever! He doesn't shut up. He was picked on in high school, and he was a band geek, so now he figures he has to make up for it, and is the biggest extrovert. I swear whoever put me with him just did it for kicks.

I am way to nice to him and put up with way too much shit, just cause I am a nice guy with lots of patience. Though they are starting to wear thin. The worst thing is he doesn't even realize. He is that dense.

And he is still at that stage in life when he is getting by on talent. He has never had to work for anything in his life. I can't wait for the day when he is actually going to have to do some work to get by in life. It should hit next year when he goes to a real university.

The other day he brought up some shit about how "fetal" Christians "get it" better then those who aren't. I could have knocked him flat on his ass right then. I think that has got to be one of the stupidest things I have ever heard, and I have heard some pretty bad ones since being here. Bible College students, well first and second years anyway, most of them have no clue. They are still getting by on youth group mentality. I don't see how they can live life that way. It is so blind.

So dumb, all of them. Just useless. I can't wait until I get to go home. Live in the real world again. Deal with real people who have real problems and don't mask them over with this Christian bullshit. Grrr.............

I can't take this shit anymore. It is just too much. They can all go fuck themselves, and I should tell them so. I should write a new speech about how I think this whole Bible College thing is a load of shit. At least the ppl here. Even some of the profs. They have no clue. They are just...

*deep breaths*

These people just piss me off. They think they are better than others, just because they know Christ. But with attitdes like they have, they can't know Christ. They just think they do.

They just...

I am out of words. That is my rant for today.

I can't wait to go home and see my Jo. Home... what is home? Do I have a home? I can't live with my parents, I will just be staying there for a couple of weeks. I will move into an apartment in Jan., but will that be home? It didn't feel like it when I lived in my other place. This doens't feel like home. Sure I have been here fro 3 months, it has all of my stuff, it is a mess, but it isn't home. I don't think I will have a real home until I actually buy a house. Something that is mine, with someone to come home to, or someone that will come home to me. I think then I will have a home. Not until. That is going to be a long time...=( I hate not having a home. It is lonely. There just isn't that home feeling. Something I haven't felt since living on Herriman Rd. in Yk, back in grade 11. That was a long time ago.

*sigh* Such is life I guess. You just keep plugging away.

One day. One day I will have a home, a wife and a family. There are my base feelings coming through. *small laugh* What is important to me.

There is a lot of work that goes into a relationship. Not work that is hard, or something that isn't pleasant. But if I actually think about it, which I have, there is a lot of work put into it. Right from the start. The couple gets to know each other, find out thing about the other person. Try not to step on toes when discovering things. It takes a lot of time. There is a lot of effort put into relationships, good ones anyway. And then when ppl break them off, or have an affair or what not. It is like throwing it all out the window. All that you have worked to achieve. Everything that has been built up. It just seems like such a rip off. People make relationships out to be such cheap things. They never realize how much work goes into them. There is no respect for other ppls feelings in the world today. Yes, I am all about the individual, but my girlfriend/spouse will always be put before me. That is just the way I am. The priorities in my life are : God, Jo, Me, Others. That is just the way I live my life. Most ppl don't understand that, and I don't expect them to. That is fine. But it just bothers me the way other people aren't careful with other people's feelings. Especially when it comes to relationships. Our society/culture is so fucked up! Why can't ppl respect each other? Yes, it does require a little bit of effort sometimes, but get over it. Others feelings warrant a little effort. My relationship with Mama Bean is amazing. We have so much respect for each others feelings. We know it requires a little effort now and then, but it is worth it for a relationship to grow, and for love to prosper as it does in our relationship. There is respect for each other's feelings. I wish sometimes that people could see how much love there is in our relationship. They could realize that the little bit of effort is worth it.

Our culture revolves around a monochromic view of time. We see it as a segmented film and expect people to conform to it for the sake of efficiency. I think it is time we slowed down. What is the big rush? Other cultures, like India have the right idea. They live on a polychronic view of time. They place people and events ahead of schedules and clocks. There is no need to get so worked up about things. All hurrying does is get ppl stressed out, and wears nerves thin. This is not needed! C'mon people. Smarten up. Look at what it is doing to society. It is killing us. My generation is growing up in an era of faster and faster computers, microwaves, and instant everything. This can't be healthy. This breeds impatience. If we all just slowed down. Used a little bit of patience sometimes, just think about how much more calm the world would be. There would be so much less stress in our lives, in our relationships, in everything. It is call patience. This is a word foreign to all but like Buddhist monks. This is a point that can't be stressed enough. Yes, this is the age we are living in. An age of efficiency, but WHY? We don't need to be. We can slow down. It wouldn't kill you. It would probably save lives. Just think about how many ppl have been killed in car accidents because someone was in a hurry. We are always rushing. Rushing to work. Rushing to get our work done. Rushing to do this. Rushing to do that. WHY WHY WHY!!!???? I don't understand it.

STOP! Enjoy life. Enjoy God's creation. Enjoy the things and people around us. Yes if we slow down, we may just get lost in the flow of life, but hopefully we can find others who think the same way. Create a haven of peace, of calmness in this storm/whirlwind of everything.

When I first met Jo, she was a whirlwind of activity and nerves. Always somewhere to go, something to do. She has slowed down so much since then. But now with school, work, CSC, friends, just life in general, she is getting lost in the whirlwind of life again. And I am not even around to take up even more of her time. Maybe I can instill some calmness into her life when I come back. Have our time together to slow down and relax. I am scared she is going to just get sucked up and thrown around. Life doesn't need to be that way. Our MTV generation does not allow us to slow down. But I think we have to. We need to. God didn't make us to just rush through life. We are here to enjoy life. We are so busy trying to make it through life to get to the enjoyment part, that enjoyment ends up becoming the carrot before the donkey. Something we will always strive for but never actually reach. WE need to slow down, and enjoy it as we go. Or the next thing we know we will be 90 and on our deathbed, regretting that we were not able to enjoy life.

So many things. So much ranting. *laugh* I haven't gone on like that is a long time. It is nice to do that. Yay for random thoughts. It feels so nice to just spew things out, without worry what people are going to think. Just to let my heart flow though my fingers. I have skipped chapel now, I just couldn't stop writing. It just flowed. I didn't want to stop. I am glad I didn't. I feel much better now. A lot of it is fragmented, but that is alright.

I miss Jo.

I want to leave this place.

School is almost over. This is a weird thing. I only have 17 more sleeps here. 4 more classes of some, 3 of others. When I think about it in terms of school, it is very short. But in terms of seeing Jo, it is still a very long time. =( Oh well.

chris