Peaceful sun to sad about the world

Mmmm....I love the sun. So peaceful. I could just sit here for hours. Curl up on my bed, a soft beam of morning sunlight shining across my bed...

On my way to breakfast this morning, it was... breathtaking? The temperature wasn't cold, or hot, but it was like...I just couldn't feel it. It is like there was no temperature. The sun was just coming up, making the clouds pink. It was casting this pinkish, orangeish, redish glow over everything. It was so nice. It was still sort of dusk, and just amazing.

I could have just sat down, right there in the middle of the sidewalk. Wrap a blanket around me, and just curl up right there.

I never used to want to do things like that. But since meeting this girl of mine, she has put these ideas in me. Curling up. Napping. Things that are oh so nice.

I love the way the sun shines into my room in the morning. It is so warming, despite the draft from my window.

I am in a very strange mood this morning. I haven't really had to deal with anyone yet. Alastair was here, but left, which is nice. I don't feel like being patient yet. I just want time for me. To sit here. Enjoy the sun. Write my thoughts. Listen to my music. Ohhh...I have a baseboard heater at my feet and it just turned on....mmmmm...so nice.

Sitting here, listening to cheesy mellow 80's love songs. *laugh* Air Supply. Gotta love 'em.

I don't want to go out and face the world today. I want to live today in my own little world. Thinking about whatever. Writing down odd thoughts. Vegging physically, but not mentally.

I love sitting and thinking. About anything and everything. From the way that a pen is so amazing because the ink doesn't just pour out, to the reason for existence. Theological, eschatological, philosophical. It is all so interesting. Oh how I long for knowledge. To learn, and to make certain ppl happy. That is the reason I am here. It must be. Those are the things that give me the most joy.

There is so much sadness in our world today. We live in such a modern world, yet around the world people are dying due to malnutrition. We have enough food here to feed them, yet we don't. We can't send our excess to them. That would cause prices to fluctuate, and we can't have that. The whole idea of a capitalist system is to screw over others. There is a big drought in Ethiopia right now. They figure a couple of million ppl may die due to it. Due to starvation, and basic health problems that we could fix so easily. Things like diarrehea. I get it and I think it sucks, they get it and it is a life or death situation. What kind of a world are we living in? If we live in a civilized world why then do people insist on killing each other over land. It is fucking land people. Maybe I don't understand what is going on, but there are other ways. But no, let's pillage, rape and kill women and children. If we kill the civilians it will weaken them. What kind of a fucking world do we live in? Over here in Canada we can ignore it all. We don't have to pay attention to the rest of the world. We can just live our own little lives, oblivious to the rest of the world's problems. We have our own problems. Hmmm...should I have steak or a roast for supper? Ouch, I broke a nail. My brand new Lexus' wiper on the headlight won't work. Stupid insignificant shit. I just don't understand it.

Since I started working in the caf, I have seen so much food thrown out. There are ppl here in Regina that are starving. Kids going to school without breakfast and without a lunch, because the family doesn't have enough money to feed them properly, and we are throwing out all this food...*shake my head* I just don't get it.

I really don't.

Maybe one day...maybe one day.

I am not mad. just sad. but still in a state of peace.

Love

You know what the worlds biggest stress reliever is? The sound of Jo's voice. There just seems to be this magical quality about it.

I can be having the most rotten day of my life, and pick up the phone, hear Jo's voice, and it all melts away. It is truly amazing. It happened last night. There were a hundred billion people in my room, it was noisy, I was trying to work on my paper, and out of nowhere my phone rings. It was my Jo. I left the room, called her back, and every care just flew out the window. Stress level went down to zero, and my patience level went up. It was awesome.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails... And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8, 13 (NIV)

I think this is my new favorite verse in the bible. It describes exactly how I feel about love. It takes my feelings and puts them into words. It is like finding that perfect card for someone, that expresses your feelings perfectly, except this does it so much better. I never knew it could be put into words. When I first read it yesterday, I was struck dumb. I couldn't believe it.

I think I am in a really lovey mood today. It is a nice feeling, though it does make me miss jo. I like having days like these and being able to share them with her. It is like a special connection. One even more so than usual.

I miss Mama Bean today. And I am going to miss some of my friends here when I leave. It is a nice feeling to know that you will be missed when you leave a place. It makes you feel special.

I love Jo, and I miss her, but only for 15 more sleeps. Yay!

Now to go out into the fun and exciting world of CBC...

Ranting (1st Post Ever)

I hate my roommate!

He is the most inconsiderate person to ever walk the face of this Earth, and what is worse is the fact that he THINKS he is considerate. He was talking about it the other day, saying how we are good roommates because we are so considerate. ARG! He just pisses me off. I am sitting in here, on my computer working on a paper, listeing to my music. My music isn't very loud because I was busy concentrating, and he comes in, he doesn't know how to walk quietly, he is always stomping, turns on his computer, and starts playing music. Then he turns it up. I should have slapped him. After about 5 min, he leaves. Music blaring, he went to the gym to play volleyball. This guy is the biggest, most useless, fuck ever! He doesn't shut up. He was picked on in high school, and he was a band geek, so now he figures he has to make up for it, and is the biggest extrovert. I swear whoever put me with him just did it for kicks.

I am way to nice to him and put up with way too much shit, just cause I am a nice guy with lots of patience. Though they are starting to wear thin. The worst thing is he doesn't even realize. He is that dense.

And he is still at that stage in life when he is getting by on talent. He has never had to work for anything in his life. I can't wait for the day when he is actually going to have to do some work to get by in life. It should hit next year when he goes to a real university.

The other day he brought up some shit about how "fetal" Christians "get it" better then those who aren't. I could have knocked him flat on his ass right then. I think that has got to be one of the stupidest things I have ever heard, and I have heard some pretty bad ones since being here. Bible College students, well first and second years anyway, most of them have no clue. They are still getting by on youth group mentality. I don't see how they can live life that way. It is so blind.

So dumb, all of them. Just useless. I can't wait until I get to go home. Live in the real world again. Deal with real people who have real problems and don't mask them over with this Christian bullshit. Grrr.............

I can't take this shit anymore. It is just too much. They can all go fuck themselves, and I should tell them so. I should write a new speech about how I think this whole Bible College thing is a load of shit. At least the ppl here. Even some of the profs. They have no clue. They are just...

*deep breaths*

These people just piss me off. They think they are better than others, just because they know Christ. But with attitdes like they have, they can't know Christ. They just think they do.

They just...

I am out of words. That is my rant for today.

I can't wait to go home and see my Jo. Home... what is home? Do I have a home? I can't live with my parents, I will just be staying there for a couple of weeks. I will move into an apartment in Jan., but will that be home? It didn't feel like it when I lived in my other place. This doens't feel like home. Sure I have been here fro 3 months, it has all of my stuff, it is a mess, but it isn't home. I don't think I will have a real home until I actually buy a house. Something that is mine, with someone to come home to, or someone that will come home to me. I think then I will have a home. Not until. That is going to be a long time...=( I hate not having a home. It is lonely. There just isn't that home feeling. Something I haven't felt since living on Herriman Rd. in Yk, back in grade 11. That was a long time ago.

*sigh* Such is life I guess. You just keep plugging away.

One day. One day I will have a home, a wife and a family. There are my base feelings coming through. *small laugh* What is important to me.

There is a lot of work that goes into a relationship. Not work that is hard, or something that isn't pleasant. But if I actually think about it, which I have, there is a lot of work put into it. Right from the start. The couple gets to know each other, find out thing about the other person. Try not to step on toes when discovering things. It takes a lot of time. There is a lot of effort put into relationships, good ones anyway. And then when ppl break them off, or have an affair or what not. It is like throwing it all out the window. All that you have worked to achieve. Everything that has been built up. It just seems like such a rip off. People make relationships out to be such cheap things. They never realize how much work goes into them. There is no respect for other ppls feelings in the world today. Yes, I am all about the individual, but my girlfriend/spouse will always be put before me. That is just the way I am. The priorities in my life are : God, Jo, Me, Others. That is just the way I live my life. Most ppl don't understand that, and I don't expect them to. That is fine. But it just bothers me the way other people aren't careful with other people's feelings. Especially when it comes to relationships. Our society/culture is so fucked up! Why can't ppl respect each other? Yes, it does require a little bit of effort sometimes, but get over it. Others feelings warrant a little effort. My relationship with Mama Bean is amazing. We have so much respect for each others feelings. We know it requires a little effort now and then, but it is worth it for a relationship to grow, and for love to prosper as it does in our relationship. There is respect for each other's feelings. I wish sometimes that people could see how much love there is in our relationship. They could realize that the little bit of effort is worth it.

Our culture revolves around a monochromic view of time. We see it as a segmented film and expect people to conform to it for the sake of efficiency. I think it is time we slowed down. What is the big rush? Other cultures, like India have the right idea. They live on a polychronic view of time. They place people and events ahead of schedules and clocks. There is no need to get so worked up about things. All hurrying does is get ppl stressed out, and wears nerves thin. This is not needed! C'mon people. Smarten up. Look at what it is doing to society. It is killing us. My generation is growing up in an era of faster and faster computers, microwaves, and instant everything. This can't be healthy. This breeds impatience. If we all just slowed down. Used a little bit of patience sometimes, just think about how much more calm the world would be. There would be so much less stress in our lives, in our relationships, in everything. It is call patience. This is a word foreign to all but like Buddhist monks. This is a point that can't be stressed enough. Yes, this is the age we are living in. An age of efficiency, but WHY? We don't need to be. We can slow down. It wouldn't kill you. It would probably save lives. Just think about how many ppl have been killed in car accidents because someone was in a hurry. We are always rushing. Rushing to work. Rushing to get our work done. Rushing to do this. Rushing to do that. WHY WHY WHY!!!???? I don't understand it.

STOP! Enjoy life. Enjoy God's creation. Enjoy the things and people around us. Yes if we slow down, we may just get lost in the flow of life, but hopefully we can find others who think the same way. Create a haven of peace, of calmness in this storm/whirlwind of everything.

When I first met Jo, she was a whirlwind of activity and nerves. Always somewhere to go, something to do. She has slowed down so much since then. But now with school, work, CSC, friends, just life in general, she is getting lost in the whirlwind of life again. And I am not even around to take up even more of her time. Maybe I can instill some calmness into her life when I come back. Have our time together to slow down and relax. I am scared she is going to just get sucked up and thrown around. Life doesn't need to be that way. Our MTV generation does not allow us to slow down. But I think we have to. We need to. God didn't make us to just rush through life. We are here to enjoy life. We are so busy trying to make it through life to get to the enjoyment part, that enjoyment ends up becoming the carrot before the donkey. Something we will always strive for but never actually reach. WE need to slow down, and enjoy it as we go. Or the next thing we know we will be 90 and on our deathbed, regretting that we were not able to enjoy life.

So many things. So much ranting. *laugh* I haven't gone on like that is a long time. It is nice to do that. Yay for random thoughts. It feels so nice to just spew things out, without worry what people are going to think. Just to let my heart flow though my fingers. I have skipped chapel now, I just couldn't stop writing. It just flowed. I didn't want to stop. I am glad I didn't. I feel much better now. A lot of it is fragmented, but that is alright.

I miss Jo.

I want to leave this place.

School is almost over. This is a weird thing. I only have 17 more sleeps here. 4 more classes of some, 3 of others. When I think about it in terms of school, it is very short. But in terms of seeing Jo, it is still a very long time. =( Oh well.

chris