A jumble of thoughts

I don't think that the guy at CBC will ever know how much they did for me. Most of them thought I was this crazy rebel kid, that swore too much and didn't follow the rules. I know none of them thought badly of me, but I know they wondered. I spent most of my time there with my eyes closed. Judging ppl and ideas when should have been opening my eyes to new ideas, and ways to look at things. Still evaluating things critically, but not looking at everything as if it were wrong before even giving it a chance.

I don't know why things don't seem to sink in the first time. I also seem to have to do something and quit/leave before realizing how wonderful it was. I want to go back so much now. I miss the people, the atmosphere, the knowledge. I didn't realize it at the time, but I grew so much there. I look at things very differently know. I want that to continue. I miss the people. I miss the guys from my floor. I miss our sister floor. Just the whole atmosphere there. It is weird. Something unlike I have ever experienced before.

The atmosphere is something I am looking forward to at basic. The community. I think it will be different, but fun.

Alanna's getting married on Fri. I still don't know how I feel about it. It just seems strange. Maybe because I don't know Kevin very well? They just don't seem to know what there are doing, where they are going. I am happy for them though. Kevin is a great guy, I am glad he is with Alanna. I just can't believe they are getting married. It seems like just a short time ago we were sitting in Bible study and I had just met her. Hmmm....Well the best to them.

Uncomfortable in my own body

My skin doesn't feel right today. Like somthing is wrong. I don't feel right. My clothes are bothering me, I don't want to stand or sit or lay down. It isn't like I am having a bad day, I just don't feel like I belong in this body. My skin feels funny, not on the outside, but from the inside. It is weird. I hope this feeling goes away soon. This is my body, I should feel comfortable in it.

Am I missing something?

Does not having the urge to go and and get drunk make me an abnormality in today's society? Topher asked me yesterday, "So you really never have the urge to go out and get drunk?" No, I don't. Don't get me wrong, it isn't like I don't enjoy drinking, or even getting drunk for that matter. As long as I am still in partial control, and I don't end up puking, it is great. But I could have just as much fun going out drinking as I would if I were to say, go bowling. When Topher asked me, it really got me thinking. Am I strange? Does this make me less fun of a person? Am I missing something? I dunno...maybe it is just me?

How am I supposed to whip my ass into shape if it is 0 degrees with blowing snow at 74 km/h? It is colder here than it is in Yellowknife. I am supposed to be doing my physical on Fri. Maybe I am making a bigger deal of this than I should be, but it is nerve racking. I have to pass!

Tamara's boy seems pretty cool, though yes, almost too good to be true. He is good looking, has a good job, drives a Harley, is buff, dresses like a skater, and is a bit of a jock. Doesn't really seem like the type for her, but I hope things work out. He seems like a really nice guy. Not a pussy at all. I am impressed.

Later in the day:

ON my home from work today, I stepped in a puddle that came halfway up my calf. So I had to walk 4 blocks, through unplowed sidewalks, with freezing water in my shoe. And dress shoes don't let water out very well, so there was lots of slopping happening. And since the sidewalks weren't plowed I was slipping all over the place. It was brutal. Yay for the City of Calgary and keeping the sidewalks clear. Stupid snow

Yay! 22 Months!

Yay for Mama Bean and I. Yesterday was 22 months! Whoa, almost 2 years. Sometimes it feels like a long time, and other times it is like we just began.

After a week of setting my alarm clock for an hour earlier so I could get up and run, and then turning it off in the morning, I finally got up and went for a morning run today. It was nice. I haven't had to force myself out of bed in a long time. It was really tough, but once I got out of bed it felt good to be up.

Why must this happen?

Some people are so ignorant. I was sitting on the train this morning, and in another seat was this middle-age white trashy women. At one of the stops an asian women got on and sat across from this white woman. This white lady made a big show of pulling her scarf (one of those little silk flowy things) over her mouth and nose, glaring at this other woman. She looked away, out the window, but kept looking over and giving this asian women dirty looks. The asian women was just ignoring her, and I didn't see any visible signs that she noticed, but still. I just wanted to slap that lady. When I read in the paper that ppl on the c-train were avoiding asian ppl because of this whole SARS thing I thought is was just a joke, or a few isolated cases. It was awful. I was so pissed off. Grrrrr.....!

No career in musicals for me...

You don't deserve to be in Jesus Christ Superstar.
Ha. You're stupid. Either you haven't seen
Jesus Christ Superstar, or you didn't like it.
That's insane. You have no taste. You
probably think Grease is the best musical ever.
Poser.

What role should you play in Jesus Christ Superstar?
brought to you by Quizilla

I gotta love my job. So far today I have read 180 pages in a book I just started. I feel bad about it though. At the same time there are ppl, like Jo, that are working their asses off to finish shit for school and I am sitting around reading a book and getting paid. Granted the pay is just enough to live on, but still... I feel kinda bad. *sigh* But what can I do. I will go back to work and finish my book.

Stupid Shower. Stupid Apartment

I come home last night and all I want to do is have a shower and go to sleep. I turn on the water for a shower, and only cold water comes out. Not even a hint of warmth. No lukewarmness, nothing. So I went to bed, after washing my face with cold water (which really sucks).

I get up this morning, go to have a shower, and the water is still cold. At least this morning it is kinda warmish. It doesn't have that just-cold-water feel. So I let it run for the time it took me to iron my shirt for church. I go back and check it when I am done, still cool. It is still running, hopefully heating up, or bringing up hot water. If not, I am going to have a cold shower which is totally going to ruin my morning...Grrrr.

Conditional Acceptance

I have now received a conditional offer of employment with the Canadian Primary Reserves. Yay! Conditional on the results from my medical (next week), and my physical (sometime in may). So Yay! The aptitude test was harder than I thought it would be. The part on vocabulary was brutal. There were about 4 of the 15 words that I had never heard or read before. The spacial ability part was decent, but there are severe time constraints, which makes it stressful. The math part was difficult to get into since I haven't done math in a long time. I dind't have time to do 3 of the questions, once again due to lack of time. The interviewer guy said I did really well on the test though, so I guess it wasn't all that bad. He did say I should step up my fitness routine, just to make sure I am ready for basic. I watched some videos on basic today. It was really cool. It is going to be lots of fun. People yelling and me, throwing my stuff around. *smile* They can't call me names or swear at me, but I think it will be enjoyable anyway. Not quite as glorified as the movies, but enough. I can't wait.

It is going to be really tough being away from Mama Bean for 8 weeks, and I don't know yet how often we will get to talk. That is going to be difficult. Everything will work out though.

I just got this book called "Word Smart" from the Princeton Review. It is for building an educated vocabulary. I am going to have some fun with it.

So, my word of the day:

Parsimonious (pahr suh MOH nee us) adj stingy

Bastardization of Christianity

Why is it that Christianity has been so bastardized? That people view it as a bunch of judgmental hypocrites who want nothing other than to tell people they are going to Hell if they don’t turn from their ways and follow Christ. But for those unfortunate souls that don’t know Christ, if their only picture of what a Christian is are those people, I wouldn’t want to follow them either. And I didn’t for a long time. Then I came to realize that that was not what Christianity was all about. Christianity was about love and compassion. About a personal relationship with Christ. A friendship. It isn’t based on what other people think of you. You aren’t any less of a Christian just because you aren’t as ‘holy’ as the next person. As I said it is a personal relationship. If someone feels they shouldn’t use crude language or drink, and feel the need to put God first in their life, and let others know about it, that is fine. You don’t have to measure yourself against them. They are not the image of what a Christian should be. There isn’t one. Every Christian is different. That is just the way that they think they have to be in order to be a good Christian. The basic tenet of being a Christian is your relationship with Christ. In order for this relationship to work you must believe that Jesus is the Son of God and died for your sins and was resurrected. You must also follow the Word of the Lord (Bible), namely the 10 Commandments. Those are the basics of it. We can’t let other people tell us what a Christian should be. That should come from inside and look different for each person. That is the part that I hate the most; people look to one another for a picture of how they are supposed to act in order to be a ‘good’ Christian. I don’t like that.

Live in a way that brings glory to God. Be caring and compassionate and loving. Don’t discriminate against others. Love your neighbors and your enemies equally. We make it out to be far more complicated than it really is.

Why must things have to be so complicated? When I think about Christianity, everything seems so clean and clear-cut, but when I go to write them down, things don’t come out properly. It is as if I don’t know how to explain myself. I keep repeating myself, or getting all riled up and going on tangents. I had over 3 pages of writing, and above is just a brief summary of it. I have been confronted by people about my ‘Christianness’ lately, and it has really got me thinking. I am going to have to do some more reading and write some more.

It doesn’t have to do with the belief part anymore, but with the aspects that follow belief. All the fun and excitement of living a Christian life, of what it means to be Christian, of bringing it back to the basics, of church and all the things that I don’t agree with. I am really enjoying this.

The Secret of Easter's Date Revealed

So, the Liberals just ousted the PQ. Isn't that interesting. Since I don't really follow politics, I don't really care. But I guess it is a big deal.

Well I can now do the required # of push-ups and sit-ups required to join the military. Somethis this week I will attempt the running portion, 2.4km(1.5mi) in <13>

My brother's birthday today. Happy 19th Birthday to Trevor!

I got to thinking today, and I couldn't figure out how the date for easter is chosen each year.

Ohhhh...I have just found out. Easter is celebrated on the first Sunday after the first full moon which occurs after the Vernal Equinox (March 21, spring). That is totally cool.

a rant that came out of nowhere

Physio begins tomorrow. Then I will find out how bad it is, and whether or not I will be able to join te forces.

Though tomorrow my Meatloaf CD may arrive. Sometime between tomorrow and Thurs. (Hopefully tomorrow) I ordered it from England. It isn't out over here yet, and it is the limited edition enhanced version. I can't wait, I am so excited.

I must congratulate Mr. Chris on his returning to work today. If I had as shitty a day as it seemed to me like he had on Fri., I would not have went back. I would have said fuck it, and continued to look for something else. So congratulations and I hope things continue to improve for you there.

Some days I feel really fucked up. Is everyone as mixed up as I am? I want so badly to rebel against the norm. To do whatever it is I feel like. To buy a hooded cloak, a big black thing. Wear those boots with like 3" soles that come up to my knees, with laces up the front and buckles on the back. To wear a tuxedo underneath it all, cept that the pants would end just below my knees, just past the top of my boots. Or even just a muscle shirt and jeans under the cloak with the boots. Oh yeah, and a top hat, or a bowler. And walk around like that, without feeling like a complete idiot. Yeah, I would stick out, but why do I have to care? It isn't like I am hurting anyone else, or disrupting them. Why must I conform to socialtal norms? I don't want to. Yet I do, because that is the way I have been raised, and the only way I will get anywhere in life. Or is that my problem? That I think this is the only way to get anywhere in life. That I actually could get away with being a total "freak" and still move on in life. Though I think not.

Why must I think certain things, but not be able to live them out? Why do I have to be such a chicken? Why do I have to go to school in order to get a decent paying job so that I can do the things I enjoy doing? So that I can go back to bible college to pursue that which I really enjoy?

Why are people so intolerant of other people's choice of music? Yes, I admit, I enjoy pop music, and 80's music. 'Twas the bane of my existence in high school, and some people continue to judge me because of it. What makes one person's choice of music superior to that of another? Why should prestige be based on a person's taste in art or music?

You are looked on as "uncouth" if you are not well versed in Shakespeare, or Homer, Freud, Sartre, or other scholarly writers, depending on the circle you are in. Or if you don't appreciate certain types of art, rembrant, DeVinci, those 7 canadian artists. Who cares? Why should your taste in music or art dictate the type of person you are?

Why are trades people looked down upon by those that consider themselves intellectuals, or the educated. Suits. What makes trades people so much lower then them? I have experienced it. The looks, the berth I was given when passed. We live in a civilized culture, so why is there still such a class system? Why are people, because of the clothes they wear, the job they do look down upon?

Why must people think that since you are young and male all you think about is sex, and all you want to do is party and get drunk? (The view of my boss and other people at work) Who are they to judge me? Older and wiser? More like older and ignorant.

I know this has just been a pissed off rant. There was no real order to it. none of the big words, or profound statments that I try to come up with when I sit down in front of this entry page. I want to sit down here and write something profound and interesting. Something to make people look at me with admiration. Why I have these feelings I don't know. They shouldn't be a part of my existence. They just set us up for let down.

*laugh* Why is my writing showing me liek such a pissed off person? I am not mad, or upset in the least right now. Hmmmm.... Where did that all come from? A hidden niche inside of me that is struggling to get out? Or just random shit that came to mind as I was sitting here. A product of my enviroment and experiences.

Though I am in quite a good mood right now. I get to go see my Mama Bean shortly here, and I am quite looking forward to that.

I am sure as people read this they had mixed emotions. Wondering what the fuck I was writing. I guess that is the joy of this thing. I can just spew shit out. Somewhere inside of my must think that way, and I find it quite amusing, as I am not longer in the same frame of mind as I was when I wrote that, and it was but 5 minutes ago. I think my view of the world is a little skewed/fucked. *laugh* Oh well, such is life.

Horny Geese

Fucking Horny Geese!

I hate them. Every morning between 6-7 they sit on the pad outside of my window and have very loud sex. It is awful. They are so noisy. And so fucking annoying. They go at it for about an hour. It is this non-stop honking (moaning). I don't care how wonderful they are with their dignified waddle. I officially hate the fucking things.

A Strange sort of Power

With a few quick strokes of my pencil, I dictate the work days of 13 other people. What they will do, who they will see. I schedule their lives, 15 min blocks at a time. If someone is really getting on my nerves, I can make it so that they have no work to do. I can give extra work to those that I like. They keep this in mind. When they bring me food, or give me money for giving them walk-ins. I may be the lowest on the totem pole, but I have the ability to topple it. It is a rather strange power. Kinda interesting. I don't abuse this power though. I do what I am supposed to. I am fair and impartial. Well for the most part anyway. I do lean toward those that are friendlier to me, but bribes, be it food or monetary, don't sway my judgement.

I was just thinking about it today. It amused me. They all live their days in 15 minute blocks. And I control what those blocks consist of.

It still grosses me out when I look in the mirror at this piece of steel that is impaling my tongue. It just doesn't seem/look right. It has disturbed my since I first got it. I think that is why I keep it, because it doesn't belong there. *laugH* Because I can show it to other people and it causes an amplified reaction of what I think of it.

I have found better shots of the tattoo I want. I am not sure how big I want it to be though. The one I am looking at goes from the front to the back of the shoulder, and extends from the top of my shoulder, 3/4's of the way to the inside of my elbow. It isn't totally black, but rather an outline with vague details. I just need a real picture of it. Not just screenshots from Oz.

I think my health is declining. *laugh* I sound like an old man. But this lack of sleeping well is really getting to me. It sucks.

Awww...Gross! My sink has started gurgling and spewing out this awful stench. Nasty shit! I don't know why it does this, but it happens on occasion. Another one of the many wonders of this place. It is a nice enough place, but I am glad we are only here for another 3 months.

Misconceptions of Christianity

I came home and just started writing. About Christiantity. About people's misconceptions of Christianty. I was just going to put it all on here, but it may be kinda confusing. And I want to have the chance, that when I put it up here, it is said in such a way that maybe someone will read it and it will make and influence on their life, or in the way they view Christianity.

So it is going to take some revisions and some work. But I am impressed with what I have come up with so far. When I first sat down I just started ranting and getting all excited. Once I finally settled down and began to write rationaly it began to take shape and turn out much better/clearer.

I have also been downloading all this Vineyard Worship Music. It really added to the whole experience.

It has been quite fun, but now I must go to bed. Some of us have to work for a living. *laugh*

Fun With Grapefruits

Have you ever pulled a grapefruit apart and eaten it? Like pulled the skin off, and then pulled off the protective layer that protects and holds in those little packets of wonderful goodness.

They are so amazing. They are these little pouches of juice, attached to one another. They look so fragile, yet they are quite resilient. you can pull them apart, from one another, and they try to cling to one another. They have this little clingy string that trys to hold on to the others, but they are no match for me.

I discovered this at work today. I eat a grapefruit everyday for coffee break, and it just facinates me. I spend the whole time admiring the complexity of it whilst eating it. I want to get a video camera, and tape it, or maybe I will just take pictures of it, but then I will need a new lense for my camera. I guess I will just have to enjoy it, and tell others about the joys they can have as well.

Mmm Mmm Good!

How do you love someone that doesn't love you?

So, we are supposed to live a life that is devoted to Christ. One that puts him before all others. We are supposed to live in His image as well. Caring, compassionate, forgiving.

It sounds so easy. But when put into practice, it is a daunting task.

It is tough to forgive someone when you know they aren't sorry, or couldn't care less. Or talk to someone, for the lack of a better word, nicely, when they are anything but.

I am being trying to do this lately. See things in a kinder light. Not judge. Forgive.

But what is the difference between living in Christ and being walked over? How are you supposed to love someone that shows you no respect? I am really trying. I just feel like I am getting walked over. When feelings/actions are not reciprocated, or even acknowledged, it hurts.

For the most part I can deal with it. Draw from this near-endless supply of patience that I have been blessed with. It is draining though, and I feel as though I begin to slack off in other areas of my life. Work, relationships, physical activity.

I think I am just tired. I haven't had a good sleep in over a week. Maybe this week.

On another note...

Meatloaf is on his final tour. I have to go see him, but I don't even have enough money to go to school. But it is his last tour! I will never have a chance to see him again. How sad is that. So far he is only playing eastern u.s dates and europe. That is alot of money. $700 or so. I can't afford that. But...

Nothingness

I am tired. I have been tired for the past week. I get 8 hours of sleep a night and yet I wake up in the morning not feeling refresed in the least.

I made this sweet meal for supper tonight. Noodles, grnd beef, cream of celery soup and sage. Mmmm.... The joys of living on your own and being poor. Oh shoot, no vegetables. I forgot.

I listen to other peoples' problems, and it makes my life seem like a dream. My whole life I have always thought my life was shit. That everyone else had it better than me. Now I find out it isn't so.

There is this lady at work, Natalya. She is in her 50's, a grandmother. She is originaly from Russia and has lived in Canada for the past 10 years. She lets her son (19) stay out till when ever he wants, lets his girlfriend sleep over (in the same room), and when her mom asked her why she allowed this Natalya replied that this is the way the world works now. You can't be old fashioned. She also made a comment the other day saying that is was okay to cheat on your partner, just to have a little fun. It was all rather shocking. I had never heard someone actually come right out and say it before. It was kinda shocking. I feel sorry for her. Though she does find my tongue stud disgusting so I never miss an oppurtunity to gross her out.

Oh well...