A LETTER TO
OPTIMUS PRIME
FROM HIS GEICO
AUTO INSURANCE
AGENT.
BY JOHN FRANK WEAVER
- - - -
Dear Mr. Prime,
We have received your accident-claim reports for the month of June—they total 27. I regret to inform you that GEICO will not be able to reimburse you for any of those repairs. I feel that I have sent the same letter to you once a month for the last six months, and I am now sending it again.
Since becoming a GEICO customer in January of this year, you have reported 131 accidents, requesting reimbursement for repairs necessitated by each one. You have claimed not to be responsible in any of them, usually listing the cause of the accident as either "Sneak attack by Decepticons" or "Unavoidable damage caused by protecting freedom for all sentient beings."
The only repairs for which you were reimbursed were the replacement of a cracked fender and a headlight, required after a Mr. I. Ron Hide backed his van into your truck; these cost $1,286.63. Our own investigation concluded that you were not at fault and that Mr. Hide had been drinking prior to the accident. Though police were unable to test his blood-alcohol level—Mr. Hide claimed that it would be impossible for police to examine his blood-alcohol content with a Breathalyzer, because he "doesn't breathe"—under Washington-state law, refusal to take a Breathalyzer test is equivalent to returning a result above the legal level.
But, I repeat, those were the only repairs for which you have been reimbursed, and it was a very minor accident in comparison to your other claims. I mention a few to illustrate the larger trend:
$379,431.34 requested reimbursement for repairs to your truck cabin. You claimed the damage was caused by attacking fighter jets.
$665,789.11 requested reimbursement for repairs to your trailer. You claimed the damage was caused by a giant mechanical scorpion, which I can only assume is some amusement-park ride, although I question the wisdom of bringing your mobile home so close to such dangerous equipment.
$6,564,239.44 requested reimbursement for repairs to a truck part called the "Autobot Matrix of Leadership." You stated this occurred in "an ultimate confrontation between good and evil," with a Ms. Meg Atron and a Mr. U. Nicron causing the damage in question. Mr. Prime, I have checked every known car- and truck-part catalog published in the United States and have found nothing even resembling that part, never mind any part so expensive. Whatever disagreements you had with Ms. Atron and Mr. Nicron, I suggest that next time you either settle things peaceably or leave your Autobot Matrix of Leadership at home so it doesn't break. GEICO does not cover Autobot Matrix of Leaderships.
And the list goes on. Mr. Prime, I am going to remind you again: Your policy with GEICO only reimburses you for accidents that occur while you are engaged in the reasonable use of your truck and trailer. As I told you when you originally purchased the policy, GEICO does not offer Megatron coverage, Starscream coverage, Soundwave coverage, Decepticon coverage, or Energon-blast coverage. Those are just not the types of damages we would expect from reasonable use.
To sum up, GEICO has been unable to reimburse you for any repairs, but due to the high number of accidents you have been a party to this month, combined with the many accidents you have had in the preceding five months, your premium has increased to $235,567.50 per month. While that may seem like a lot, I remind you that it is a savings of $137 over Progressive and $98 over State Farm. Please have your check into our main office by the end of July.
Regards,
Simon Furman
GEICO Agent
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Homesick
I fuckin miss the north. That pretty much sums it up.
I've been sitting on facebook trolling pictures that people have posted from Yellowknife. And I miss it. I more than miss it. It is this intense longing, this yearning to go back. I am not a prairie boy, nor am I a city boy. I belong up there. With the rocks and the trees and the rivers and the mosquitoes. Where the summer is hot, and the winters are cold. Where when you go outside in the middle of the winter and take a deep breath the cold bites your lungs. Where winter clothing is a neccesity, and by the end of winter -15 is t-shirt weather.
I miss fishing at 3 am and the sun is barely below the horizon.
I miss leaving the house at 8 and it being dark, and then going back home at 4 and it being dark already.
I miss the dark.
I miss walking across the lake in the dark.
I miss going sledding at the gravel pit and having a snowmachine pull us back up the hill.
I miss snowmobiling through town, and worrying everytime a road had to be crossed that it was wearing down the skis a little bit more.
I miss bundling up in a winter parka, and boots, and mittens, and ski pants, and not feeling out of place.
I miss having a need for a sleepingbag rated to -40.
I miss going out and playing in the snow, and building quinzies (sp?) and sleeping in them. I miss the quirkyness of the people.
I miss the single homeless guy, whose name escapes me, but everyone knew.
I'm homesick. And there's nothing I can do about it.
I've been sitting on facebook trolling pictures that people have posted from Yellowknife. And I miss it. I more than miss it. It is this intense longing, this yearning to go back. I am not a prairie boy, nor am I a city boy. I belong up there. With the rocks and the trees and the rivers and the mosquitoes. Where the summer is hot, and the winters are cold. Where when you go outside in the middle of the winter and take a deep breath the cold bites your lungs. Where winter clothing is a neccesity, and by the end of winter -15 is t-shirt weather.
I miss fishing at 3 am and the sun is barely below the horizon.
I miss leaving the house at 8 and it being dark, and then going back home at 4 and it being dark already.
I miss the dark.
I miss walking across the lake in the dark.
I miss going sledding at the gravel pit and having a snowmachine pull us back up the hill.
I miss snowmobiling through town, and worrying everytime a road had to be crossed that it was wearing down the skis a little bit more.
I miss bundling up in a winter parka, and boots, and mittens, and ski pants, and not feeling out of place.
I miss having a need for a sleepingbag rated to -40.
I miss going out and playing in the snow, and building quinzies (sp?) and sleeping in them. I miss the quirkyness of the people.
I miss the single homeless guy, whose name escapes me, but everyone knew.
I'm homesick. And there's nothing I can do about it.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Wouldn't Daddy Be Proud?
I just dont' get it...
And yes, you read correctly, that does read "Dick Sucka" followed by the beginning of what I hope is her pimps name. The one who forced her to get that, because there is no way anyone would get that done of their own free will...right?
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Married
So married life is awesome. I keep getting these mini "Hey, I'm married." revelations, and I'm quite enjoying it. And Saturday was our 6 year anniversary of being together. I know it isn't as big of a deal now that we are married, but that's still a long freakin time to be together already. I think so anyway.
So the big ok' Calgary Stampede is coming up next week. I'm not a huge fan, but everyone else seems to love it. Everyone wears their friggin cowboy gear, and there are tons of parties and bbqs and shit. Now don't get me wrong, I love all the free food, and the tourism money is great for the economy, but I think the general IQ of the population is inversely proportional to the lv of promiscuity. There is one hotel/club in particular that isn't helping matters any. This year, they have implemented a ring check at the door. This allows people to check their rings as they arrive, and they even provide complimentary spray-on tan to eliminate the ring tan line.
The spokesman they had on TV talking about it tried to spin the idea to make it seem like rings were interfering with peoples' dancing. Getting snagged on clothing, scratching other people, etc... So up until this point, I was a littel dubious, but could kinda accept his explanation. That is until he started talking about their spray on tan to remove the ring tan line. Why would you want to hide the fact that you are not single, if you weren't interested in hooking up. Especially in a dark club.
So the big ok' Calgary Stampede is coming up next week. I'm not a huge fan, but everyone else seems to love it. Everyone wears their friggin cowboy gear, and there are tons of parties and bbqs and shit. Now don't get me wrong, I love all the free food, and the tourism money is great for the economy, but I think the general IQ of the population is inversely proportional to the lv of promiscuity. There is one hotel/club in particular that isn't helping matters any. This year, they have implemented a ring check at the door. This allows people to check their rings as they arrive, and they even provide complimentary spray-on tan to eliminate the ring tan line.
The spokesman they had on TV talking about it tried to spin the idea to make it seem like rings were interfering with peoples' dancing. Getting snagged on clothing, scratching other people, etc... So up until this point, I was a littel dubious, but could kinda accept his explanation. That is until he started talking about their spray on tan to remove the ring tan line. Why would you want to hide the fact that you are not single, if you weren't interested in hooking up. Especially in a dark club.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Thursday, May 17, 2007
I'm Married now!
Sometimes it is hard to believe. I'm actually married. Almost 6 years after we started dating, we finally do it. (Not that I wouldn't have loved to do it earlier) It's such a wonderful feeling. No more dropping her off at home, and saying good night before driving back to my place alone. No more sleeping in a big empty bed all alone. Or waking up all alone. :) I have someone there. Someone with me all the time. Life is good.
The wedding was awesome. There were so many people that I hadn't seen in such a long time. Most of my Aunts and Uncles, and cousins who I hadn't seen in almost 6 years. So much fun. The ceremony went off without a hitch, nice and quick so people didn't have to sit there and listen to lots of boringness. Jo's brother sang a song during the signing of the registry which was awesome. Mama Bean sang her vows to me, bringing me to tears. She really is amazing.
Pictures in the afternoon were so much fun too. Erin (the photographer, who i've linked to in a post below) was amazing, and lots of fun to work with. I got a little too much sun though, so in all the reception pictures my face is red and I look like I've been drinking too much.
So yeah. Such an amazing and awesome day. Thank you so much to the people that came out, and were there for us, and we missed those of you who couldn't make it. :)
The wedding was awesome. There were so many people that I hadn't seen in such a long time. Most of my Aunts and Uncles, and cousins who I hadn't seen in almost 6 years. So much fun. The ceremony went off without a hitch, nice and quick so people didn't have to sit there and listen to lots of boringness. Jo's brother sang a song during the signing of the registry which was awesome. Mama Bean sang her vows to me, bringing me to tears. She really is amazing.
Pictures in the afternoon were so much fun too. Erin (the photographer, who i've linked to in a post below) was amazing, and lots of fun to work with. I got a little too much sun though, so in all the reception pictures my face is red and I look like I've been drinking too much.
So yeah. Such an amazing and awesome day. Thank you so much to the people that came out, and were there for us, and we missed those of you who couldn't make it. :)
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
For my Jo
Our wonderful and talented photographer Erin Fitzpatrick, took some beautiful shots of us on our wedding day. Here is a small preview of what's to come. Pictures. Yay!
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