i just don't know

I realized today that some things require a lot of will power. For example, I began the process today of whipping my lazy, out-of-shape ass in to shape today. I did this by running. I hate running. But I have a goal, to join the army and excel. It was this goal that kept me going, pushing myself until I didn’t think I could go any farther, and continuing on. It was brutal. But I did it. Willpower is a strange thing. You don’t know how much there is until you push it to the limit. Only then to do find out, but even then every time you push it to the limit you get a little more. This is a good thing to know. I can do things that I set my mind to. If not the first time, I know to push myself harder the next time.

I have been really struggling with the concept of church lately. Whether it is just because I am becoming disillusioned by the whole thing, or if there is actually something (I know there is a word that goes here, but I just don’t know what it is. I want to say theologically, but that isn’t it) wrong with it. I just don’t seem to be getting anything out of it. I get more from just reading the Bible and contemplating what I just read. I am not really getting anything out of Tim’s class on Revelation either. There just isn’t anything there that captures my attention. He gets all excited about it, as if it is a scary thing, that should set us back on track. I don’t look at it like that at all. To me it is one of the less meaningful books. It is about the future, or the now, depending on how you view it. I just see other books so much more pertinent to our time. Things like the Sermon on the Mount. One of the most analyzed couple of chapters of the NT, yet so many ppl don’t follow it. I had never read it before this last Sunday. There is so much in there that I can apply to my life. I have felt ‘spiritually dry’ lately. Everything I have been hearing or reading is either below/beyond or doesn’t interest me. It sucks, because it feels like something is seriously lacking in my life. I am not sure if it is because I am doing/not doing something or what.

Alpha isn’t really doing anything for me. I am not learning anything new about the Christian faith. Not really anyway. I have learned about other people’s views on the subject and how I don’t agree. But that is the lovely thing about Christianity; there are many views, all which can be correct.

I really hope I wake up soon, snap back into it and begin to live again. I don't know how to do that, hopefully it will become apparent. This is beginning to suck. g'night