Political Stance...I guess

You are a Social Moderate (56% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (18% permissive) You are best described as a: Democrat Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

Fucking Pissed Off

Today blew fucking goats. I dropped my parents off at the airport at 3 am, went to bed for a few hours, got up to find that my fishtank filter had overflower spilling just over 2 gallons of water on the floor. This wouldn't be so bad cept that it is my parents hardwood floor. And it is now thoroughly soaked, and expanded, and uneven. So the floor is now lumpy, the glue has been pressed out, and what's worse? As I sit here in the basement writing this I look up to see a nice big stain on the fucking ceiling where the water has soaked the fuck through. Now see this is going to be a royal fucking pain in the fucking ass to fix. I don't know squat about hardwood floors, nor how wet it may be underneath. The ceiling down here needs to be fixed, or painted or something.
My mom is gonna lose it when they get back.
And life in general isn't treating me very well these days. Everything seems to be in the shitter.
Oh, and the computer I gave my little brother is fucked, I'm not sure if it is a virus or what, but it doesn't seem to want to let me fix it.
I did go see Rex Goudy and Melissa O'Neil tonight though with Miss AJ. The show was good, and we had a blast. More coming on that later when I'm less pissed the fuck off.

I'm Sick of This

Another young man wants to go to parties and other social events---indeed, he is very, very lonely---but he never goes anywhere because he's very nervous about meeting new people. Too many people will be there and crowds only make things worse for him. The thought of meeting new people scares him---will he know what to say? Will they stare at him and make him feel even more insignificant? Will they reject him outright? Even if they seem nice, they're sure to notice his frozen look and his inability to fully smile. They'll sense his discomfort and tenseness and they won't like him --- there's just no way to win --- "I'm always going to be an outcast," he predicts. And he spends the night alone, at home, watching television again. He feels comfortable at home. In fact, home is the only place he does feel completely comfortable. He hasn't gone anywhere else in twelve years.
-taken from http://www.socialphobia.org/whatis.htm

It is very weird reading something that describes yourself. The other day Mama Bean and I were reading a book about personality types, and how ours interact with that of each other. Weird because so much of it fits perfectly. I had this moment again today when reading a pamplet on depression and social anxiety. No, I'm not depressed, but the symptoms of one suffering* from social anxiety seem to suit me quite well.
I was always scared to read anything about it because it is so easy to take symptoms upon yourself and internalize them. Humans have this way about classifying themselves, and I hate doing that.

The symptoms don't all describe me. A number of them I've learned how to handle and have overcome the obstacles. But there are other times when it is just so strong... Like today. I was supposed to go over and fix a couple's computer. They are friends of my cousin, whose computer I fixed a couple of weeks back and she highly recommended me to some of her friends. This one couple e-mailed me and we made arrangements that I would go over and fix their computer today after I was done work. As things would have it, work was cancelled, so I should have called them and arranged a time to come over. But I didn't. What did I do? I called and left a message saying I was still at work and not able to make it over today. Why? Because the very thought of going there made me want to curl up in a little ball and hide. It made my stomach tighten up and my head swim. All the while I was thinking how dumb I was being and how I was over-reacting and it's never as bad as I make it out to be. And after I called, I sat there feeling so awful, but not being able to just call them back. I still feel awful. Before it was at a point where I'd make plans with friends or whatever and then bail at the last minute b/c I couldn't go through with them. Sometimes I'd specifically say I'd go do something in hopes that by making the plans myself I'd be forced to go, but oft times I'd still bail. Sometimes I'd dread it so much that I'd get physically ill. It is also affecting my professional life and I've had enough and need to fix it. I'm sick of living like this.

Lima beans and orange peels

I'm not doing so well in this getting over of Everquest. For some reason it has worked itself back into my system. I'm not even playing, but I long to play like I've never longed for anything before. For the past 2 days it is all I think about. I go through my day, fixing whatever it is that needs fixing, and swapping out gearboxes, and tracking conveyors, all while dreaming about that wonderful place that is Norrath.

I don't know what is wrong with me.

As I am in the midst of packing, I have a box on the floor beside my desk here, and I can see a corner of the Everquest box poking out, just begging me to reinstall it and start playing. All my info is still online, it's but a click of a button away.

I moved the box out of my sight, but it is still nagging at the back of my mind.

ARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!

Peer Pressure

I think this is the cool thing to do these days, so I figured I'd snag it before someone else stole my name.

Find me on MySpace and be my friend!

Most Excellent Poem

My little brother, who is currently serving in the Canadian Military sent me this today...

Final Inspection

A dead soldier was facing God,
For lives will always pass;
He hoped his shoes were shining,
Just as brightly as his brass.

"Step forward, now
How shall I deal with you;
Have you always turned the other cheek,
To my bible always true?"

The soldier snapped to attention,
"No, Lord, I guess I aint;
It seems that we who carry guns,
Can't always be a saint."

"I've had to work most Sundays,
My work was always rough;
At times I have been violent,
Because the job was tough."

"But, I never took a penny,
That wasn't mine to keep;
Though I worked a lot of overitme,
When my bills became to steep."

"I never passed a cry for help,
But often shook with fears,
And sometimes, God, forgive me,
I have wept unmanly tears."

"I know I don't deserve a place,
Among these good folks here;
They never wanted me around,
Unless a war was near."

"But if you have room for me,
It need not be too grand;
I never had, or needed much,
Im sure you understand."

A silence fell around that throne,
Where saints had often trod;
The dead soldier, with baited breath,
Feared judgement from his God.

"Step forward now, soldier,
You've borne your burdens well;
Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets,
You've done you're time in hell."

I'm Peter Jackson

I'm Peter Jackson. I'm King of the World. I make movies that are a million times longer than they need to be. Why? Because I'm Peter Jackson. You will sit there and watch 3 hour plus movies. You will sit there and you will watch. You will watch it until the very end. You will sit there and endure the obscenly long landscape shots, and the extended long boring ass diologe that adds nothing to the story, and all the extra bullshit that movie company's shell out big bucks for, and you will pay through the nose for all of this. Why? Because I'm Peter Jackson.
(Sorry, I just finished watching King Kong, the 3 hour and 15 minute movie that could have been done in just over an hour. Fuck I hate that guy.)

delayed reaction

it didn't hit me how much that REALLY sucks until i said it out loud to someone else...

Sad News

This guy I knew from Yellowknife died today. His name was Andrew Lovatt. I was good friends with his older brother Matt, we went to high school and church together. Back when I was just starting high school, round about then, Andrew was in an accident or something, I can't quite remember what, but he went from being a super active, sports oriented teenager, to being wheelchair bound. The doctors said he's never walk again, but low and behold, I think it was less than a year later that he was walking again. He fought his way through it.
But I guess he had an anurism on Wednesday that he never recovered from. He died today. They sent his body to Edmonton this afternoon to donate his organs, and his body will be shipped back to Yellowknife for the funeral and burial.
Andrew was awesome. I can't believe he's gone...

How to bring a Christian concert to life

Sing Days of Elijah.
At the conference last weekend, there was some Christian artist whose been around since the 80's leading worship. She was alright, but kinda dull, and the crowd wasn't really getting into it, until they started playing Days of Elijah. It only took a couple of bars of the intro before the energy level in the place shot through the roof. See I like the song as well, but I didn't think it was THAT big of a deal. Apparently it was. And when she started singing, she had a couple of thousand backup singers singing right along with her. It was quite the amazing experience. At one point she tried to change it a little bit, just a subtle change in the cadence of the song, but it didn't work, the crowd was too over powering. It was a truly sight/sound to behold.

Change

Last weekend I went to this huge Christian conference in Edmonton. I had never been to a big Christian conference before, with workshops, and key speakers and such, it was quite the experience. And at the end of the weekend, I left with an altered view of life. I chose to walk away having realized, (and have been for a while, this was sort of a culmination of it) that life isn't about me. Life is about others. Life is about loving others, caring for others, giving to others, serving others. God did not give me this wonderfully deep pool of patience to improve the quality of my life. He gave it to me so that I may share it with others. Sure, I have my needs and wants, but they are second to those of other people. I have to trust that in the same way that I am reaching out to others, so to will people reach out to me. It is the circle that is community. That is love. That HAS to be love. We live in this society that is all about "me first".
It seems that in this "me first" psyche, we only give our excess. We want to establish a secure foundation for ourselves first, before helping others. We need to be willing to make sacrifices, to give not just of our excess. It is a place of extremes, of those that know suffering, and those that don't. There shouldn't be these extremes, there should be some sort of compromise, some sort of middle.
I'm not sure where this is going. But I do know that I am not living life properly. I am not putting others before me in the way that I need to be. Things need to change, and I am going to start with me.

Getting closer

Last night I signed all the morgage papers. $460 bi-weekly payments.
Last night I also signed and amendment saying the possession date has changed from May 1, to March 10.
Today I got myself a lawyer who is going to charge me just over $700 to be my realestate lawyer (as opposed to the $800+ that most other places charge)
Woo Hoo! T minus 37 days. And T minus 29 days until I see my Mama Bean in Chicago. :D