here i sit at 3 am

it's 2:30 am and here i sit, under the rule of a 7.5lb dictator that rules with an iron baby fist. see he doesn't want to sleep. i don't know why, it's the middle of the night, it's quiet, he has a clean diaper, was just fed, and is sleepy. but he has decided he won't rest unless i am holding him, rocking him, in one arm while i remain in a seated position. yes, i can't lie down, nor even recline without him starting to fuss.

so here i sit at 3 am. tired. frustrated. i have to be up in 4 hours for work, but jo also needs the sleep as we have house guests for the next two weeks. this means an additional two people to look after during an already tiring time. it will get better, but after sitting here for the past hour with this grumpy dictator in my arms, i just want to sleep.

and i think i need one of those speech-to-typing programs as this blogging with one hand is really slow.

he really is a blessing, don't get me wrong. i love him dearly and he has increased the joy in my life by more than i know. everyday is new and exciting as he grows and changes and shows us something new,

It's been just over a week...

So it's been an interesting past week and a half following the birth of Bean last Thursday. It's been a bit of a rollercoaster ride as we adapt to this thing called parenting. I spent the first couple of days on the verge of tears every time I looked at him. It was overwhelming to be responsible for this little creature, that I created, and having no clue how to do it. I mean, I know I have this innate knowledge about what to do, but it's all the other stuff that worries me. It's trusting that I can make the best choices for him and his future to maximize his potential in life.

It's fucking scary.

Things have gotten a lot better as time has gone by. I'm feeling a lot better about my role as a dad, and I'm becoming a lot more comfortable with Bean.

We had quite a bit of trouble feeding him, though that has also gotten a lot better. He wasn't breast feeding at first, so we were using this fake nipple thing and a supplemental nutrition system (SNS), which is a syringe that you fill with milk (forumla or breast milk) and feed it to him through the fake nipple. It was a royal pain in the ass, and it took both of us to feed him. This meant that every 3 hours we'd both get up and feed him, then go back to sleep. Since then, we've weaned him off of the SNS, and he is feeding exclusivly off breast milk. :D This means that it only takes one of us to feed him at each feeding, which makes life a whole lot easier. Well, for me anyway, Mama Bean still has to get up an feed him.

So while it is nice that I don't have to get up, I have been feeling guilty that she has to get up all night, while I just sleep. I'm going back to work this week, so it'll be a definite advantage to be able to sleep through the night, but it doesn't alleviate the guilt. I'm working hard to make her life as easy as possible, by cooking, cleaning and trying to do what I can to make her life easier while she does all of the feedings.

I go back to work tomorrow after being home since the birth. I sure Mama Bean will be okay by herself all day, and it's nice to know I'm just a phone call and 5 minute drive away in case there's a problem.

5 more weeks of work and then I'm a SAHD for the next 9 months. :)

Oh, and we posted more pics over at Bean's Picasa Album

Day 6

Over the past couple of years, I've read countless posts on how great babies are; about how much they love them, and how much they enrich the lives of their parents.

None of these posts come close to expressing the love and elation that I feel when I look down at my baby boy. And I'm sure the same is for the writers of those posts. They tried to capture what they were feeling, but there aren't words to describe the love.

Bean is in his 6th day of life, and already so much has changed. His eyes are starting to focus, and they move to look when he hears sound. The shape of his head is changing and widening a bit as the skull plates start to move into place.

Granted the lack of sleep is tough to take, but it's all part of parenting right? We take it one day at a time, and each day brings its own unique qualities. Each day different than the last, and all exciting.

I've always been told that your wedding day is the biggest day of your life. I disagree, I don't think anything can top the day I first became a dad.

Pics of Bean

Here are some pictures!!

Jasper Rainn Pictures

Enjoy!

I'm a dad!!

Ummm...so I'm a dad. :)

Mama Bean woke me up shortly after 3 this morning saying she was having contractions and asking if she should be calling the midwife. She went back downstairs (i'm not sure what else was said as I was half-asleep) but I didn't fall back asleep. I didn't think they were actual contractions, but maybe something like braxton-hicks as she hadn't actually had much in the way of them yet. Though despite my doubts, I still didn't sleep. I lay there thinking about all the things we still had to get ready.

As we were planning a home birth, there was lots to prepare. Mama Bean had gotten almost everything together, but as we'd had company the past 4 days, some things still weren't setup. Music wasn't on the ipod, the matress wasn't upstairs, there were no sheets on the mattress, the plastic to protect the floor and stuff hadn't been laid out, and the list went on. All of this was running through my head as I tried to fall back asleep.

Mama Bean came back in just before 4 and said that we should probably bring the mattress upstairs and set things up, and the contractions were getting stronger and closer together. I still thought she was overreacting, but part of me was worried, so we setup the futon mattress on the living room floor and put down our dollar store shower curtain to protect things. By this time it was shortly after 4 and Mama Bean was having what looked like serious contractions. So since they fit the criteria of 511 (5 min apart, 1 min each, for 1 hour) we called the midwife and let her know. Our normal midwife has received a call shortly before ours so she was just heading out to another birth so she sent over Lisa, another midwife whom we hadn't met yet.

Lisa showed up about 4:30 and looked to have a mini-freakout session in her head when she realized just how far along Mama Bean actually was. Mama Bean was fully dialated and trying hard not to push. So Lisa quickly called another midwife to come over and help (as there always needs to be two for a delivery) and Kara showed up shortly thereafter.

By about 5:30 Mama Bean was pushing and her water broke around 6ish. At 7:17 we welcomed Bean into this world. Mama Bean is such a trooper doing this all at home, drug free. I'm so proud of her, and so thankful we had such awesome midwives.

The midwives were gone around 11:30 and we spent the rest of the day relaxing and recuperating.

More to come later... :)

Quick Post

So I had a couple of other posts in the works about goose hunting, and thanksgiving, and how Mama Bean is doing and my visit with relatives until this morning...

Umm...I'm a dad.

After just 3.5 hours of labor my wife gave birth to a darling baby boy. His name is Bean and is 7lbs 4oz and 20" long. My wife is friggin amazing and I can't believe it went so quick.

Totally Awesome Site!

The Spoon Sisters is totally awesome!

Check out some of these awesome things we've been looking at on this site.

Butter Boy


Thumb Things (how genius is this?)


Calf and a half creamer


And so many other cool things. Check out the site.

Oh, and I'm looking for recommendations on a diaper bag. Something manly. :)

Being a Dad

I'm ready to be a dad.

Current parents like to tell me that I have no idea what I'm getting into. Other prospective parents bemoan the fact that they have no idea what they are getting into. I feel like I'm ready.

The only thing that is scaring me/making me nervous is a selfish fear about how it is going to affect my "me" time. But I figure it'll totally be worth it. ;) The change in lifestyle will be huge, but it is a sacrifice that I'm more than willing to make. That's the only thing that worries me though.

Bring on the baby, I'm ready to be a dad. :)

Daddy Blog - What's in a name?

What's in a name?

Choosing a name for a baby is a daunting task. A name is a powerful thing. It is your identity. Everyone has an opinion, and everyone wants to know if we've chosen a name yet.

No, we haven't chosen a name yet. We know we are having a boy, and that's narrowed things down greatly (though I have a million more girls names that I like, and a paltry few boys names), but we are still a very long way from making a decision. Mama Bean would like to name him after he's born, an idea that I at first found preposterous, but is now growing on me, but we definitely need to get it down to 3 or 4 name sets (first and middle).

There are so many things to consider:

How many ways can it be misspelled?
How many ways can it be twisted into something that can be made fun of? Are those possibilities acceptable?
Is it too heavy or formal?
Does the first, second, and last name flow well? Is the cadence nice?
Is the name difficult to pronounce?
Do we like the shortened version of the name? (I'm a big fan of Tobias, but not so much of Toby)


I don't want a name that my child is going to have to constantly spell out for people, though with everyone wanting their baby to have a "unique" name, they are twisting even the simplest names into some monstrosity. For example, the name Madison. It is a really cute, simple name. But those who loved the name, yet wanted their child to be unique came around. Madison/Madysyn/Madisyn/Madyson/Madesen
Madesin...seriously? That poor child is going to be correcting people for her entire life. Why would you want to do that to your child?

I am a fan of older names, but you have to be careful of the weight that name carries, and the history behind it. For example, the name Moses. Moses is a pretty heavy name; it carries a lot of weights, especially in the Judeo-Christian culture that is North America.

Many names also carry some serious history. Names like Adolf, Jesus, etc... are not really names you want to give your child.

Names of popular TV and movie characters are also things you need to take into account when choosing a name.

We've started writing names on our bathroom mirror that we like. And linking them to those that work well together as first and second names. It gives us time to try them on for size and see what we think without forgetting. :)

I'm really excited about our little bean, and am confident we will choose a name that suits him and that he'll be proud to wear.

Baby Blessing

Ever since Mama Bean and I first found out that we are expecting a little one, we've been overjoyed. A little overwhelmed at some points, but mostly just full of joy.

One thing I am learning, is how blessed we are. From the moment we started telling people that we were expecting the love that has been flowing our way has been amazing and unceasing.

We have been blessed with amazing friends, an amazing church family, and amazing family. We've been given so much, and offered so much more.

Danny and Des (Jo's brother and sister-in-law) gave us a ton of clothing that our little nephew Josh grew out of. There's a good 2 dozen onesies from newborn to 12 months. Almost as many sleepers, some hats, booties, socks, pants and shirts. There's also another box full of clothing 12 mo and up. Jo's parents will also be bringing out a few more boxes when they come out when bean is born.


(yes, we've been labeling the drawers with sizes)

Deb and George from church supplied us with a matching crib, change table and dresser, that also happen to match the existing decor in the room. They also gave us an exersaucer, high chair, swing, and more.


This is our new nursery. :)


Dan and Des also gave us an infant car seat (below, left), some toys, a jolly jumper and more.



Jeff and Char (also from church) gave us another car seat (above right) and stroller. It just so happens that the two car seats have matching bases so that we can put a base in each car and that seats can cycle between them. They also both fit on the stroller, which is so awesome.



And finally, here is the stuff that we bought. We picked up a crib set from Sears which happened to be 20% off. It's a pretty cute set, and I can't wait to see bean in it.

Tomorrow will mark the beginning of Jo's 32nd week of pregnancy. In about 8 weeks we will be blessed with a great little boy who will become the center of our lives. Jo's doing really well and planning on working until October 16th, 5 days before the estimated due date. She's planning on taking approximately 6 weeks off of work in hopes of putting in a few weeks of work before we head back to Calgary for a couple of weeks for Christmas with family and friends.

Effective December 1st, I will be taking advantage of this wonderful program that our government offers and turn in my laptop bag for a diaper bag. I will be on paternity leave for 37 weeks, and take on the responsibilities of a stay-at-home dad while Mama Bean continues to grow her chiropractic practice. I'm really looking forward to it, though I'll miss my job. Taking paternity leave is a bit of a bittersweet sort-of thing, as there's talk of an opening that is taking place in the central IT staff with the division. I'm one of the school-based techs and they'll be hiring from our group for this central position. It's a huge step up, and would be an almost $20k/yr raise. It would be an Apple Specialist position, where I'd get some amazing training, and could easily move on to bigger and better things in the Mac world. It's an opportunity that I'm pretty sure I could get if I worked for it over the next few months, but I'm passing it up to raise my family; a sacrifice I'm more than happy to make.

OneSmarmyMama's Parenting 101 Advice

Becoming a parent for the first time can be more than a little overwhelming. What do I need to buy before the baby comes? What can I live without for a while? Money is a little tight, I don't want to end up buying a bunch of crap that I don't need, but what if there's something I'm missing that'll make life a million times easier? There are a million options when it comes to strollers and car seats, how do I know which is best for me? I want to minimize my impact on the planet, how can I do that while bringing another one into this world? Are cloth diapers worth the hassle for the savings?

Everyone likes to think they have it together, but secretly (or not), all first-time parents are a little nervous. Here are 4 amazing posts that I would (and do) recommend to all my friends that are having babies, or have recently had one.

Last month, my friend over at onesmarmymama.com wrote a series of posts labeled, Parenting 101 about things you'll need to know (or will find quite handy) following the birth of your child. They are super informative and helpful, especially for first-time parents.

1. Car Seats: She gives a great rundown on the different types from travel systems up to booster seats. She gives pros and cons of each, as well as her opinions as a mom who has done this before.

2. What you NEED, What you DON'T need, and What you WANT: A very informative post on the various items you'll need when you have a baby.

3. Going Green (and staying green) with Baby: How to do your part while raising your child to minimize your impact. Great stuff for those that don't live much of a crunchy granola life, and those that do.

4. Cloth Diapering and SLEEPING!: All about cloth diapers, and how you will not be sleeping much once that little one comes. :)

Daddy Blog - 08/08/09 - He Moves!

One of the coolest experiences in my life was (and is) feeling my unborn baby move inside of Jo. I've been able to for a couple of weeks now, but only recently has it started to become very real to me.

I can feel him rolling around, I can feel his little kicks and punches. We don't know what position he's in, so we just make stuff up and go with it. He's really active between 9-11 at night (give or take), and I'll often catch Mama Bean just sitting there watching her belly as it moves.

She hit the 30 week mark this week which seems like a whole lot further along than 29. At 29 she was still in her 20's, but 30! Now 30 has a whole other number in front. It is the home stretch; 10 weeks give or take a couple.

10 weeks...

10 weeks isn't very long at all. It's rather short. 2 and a half months. That's nothing. We've been in Winnipeg 1 year (celebrated our 1 year Pegiversary last week) and that has flown by. 10 weeks is less than 20% of that! Crazyness...

But I'm so friggin excited. I talked to my boss and let her know that I will be taking parental leave starting December 1st. Jo's official due date is Oct 21st, and she wants to be back at work for he beginning of December. This will give her a few weeks to start seeing patients before we take off for a couple of weeks to visit family and friends in Calgary.

So as of December 1st I am going to be a stay-at-home Dad for 37 weeks on the government's dime, which is kinda nice of them. It's a paltry 55% of my wage, but hey, I'm not complaining. They could give me nothing.

My boss took it quite well, though she was sad that I'll be gone. I'm friggin awesome, and she knows it. ;)

8 years

On Tuesday Mama Bean and I celebrated 8 years together. Well, maybe not so much celebrated, but we realized that it was on that day 8 years previous that we became a couple and have been together ever since.
8 years. 96 months. 3 years of which were long distance with her in the states. That's a long freakin' time. Most marriages don't last that long.
When we first started dating we celebrated every 'monthiversary.' We did it for years; right up until the wedding actually. Since then we haven't done it so much any more, but on the 23rd of each month I still usually think about it.

Back in May it felt weird to tell people that it was our second anniversary as we've been together hella longer than that. And while May 5th, 2007 will always be the official start to our life together, June 23, 2001 will always be the actual day we started spending our life together.

Sometime in the last 8 years Mama Bean and I came up with 1+1=11, two uniquely individual numbers, yet together they make a single number. We were never a fan of 1+1=1 or 1+1=2 as they always seem to lose the fact that we are both still individuals. I wonder what it is when we have our little bean in the fall? :)

I couldn't have met a better woman to marry than Jo. Every morning I wake up, roll over and smile because this wonderful person is in bed next to me. Nothing could make me happier. And to think that by the time our next anniversary rolls around we'll be a family of three. Life doesn't get any better than when you are surrounded with great people that love you.

Pregnant vs. Expecting

Mama Bean is pregnant.

We are expecting.

We are not pregnant. Mama Bean is.

There is a difference. Guys cannot be pregnant, nor do I think they can be expecting. Couples can be expecting, the mom-to-be can be expecting, the dad-to-be cannot.

Home

I read a post from C Lo over at One Smarmy Mama that got me thinking about the concept of “home” and what it really is. Is it the place where you grew up? Is it the place you live now? Is it the place your parents or rest of your family live? Is it the place that all of those cliché sayings say it is? E.g. where the heart is. What is home?

While I used to think home and hometown were the same thing, the older I get, the more that changes. Is that just how it works, or does hometown always equal home, whether they live there or not?

Growing up, home was wherever I was living. We moved a lot for the first 9 years of my life when I lived in 6 different towns in various parts of the country from northern Manitoba, to southern Manitoba to the Yukon, to southern Alberta, back to northern Manitoba/Saskatchewan, and then finally up to the Northwest Territories where I spent almost 10 years of my life before moving back to Alberta and now I’m back in Manitoba.

For the first 9 years we were never in one place for more than 2 years, though why that changed when we moved to Yellowknife, I am not sure. I spent my formative years growing up in Yellowknife, grades 4-12. When someone asks, I say I grew up in Yellowknife. When I lived in Calgary, and someone asked me where I was from, I’d say Yellowknife. Yellowknife was my hometown, and even after 8 years of living in Calgary, I didn’t feel like I was from Calgary. Yellowknife was still where I was from, even though I hadn’t been there since graduating 8 years previous.

Now that I live in Winnipeg, I hate telling people that I’m from Calgary, it just feels wrong. It wouldn’t make sense to say I’m from Yellowknife, but I’m not from Calgary. I often say, “We moved here from Calgary, but I grew up in Yellowknife.” Now there’s nothing wrong with Calgary, but I’m not a Calgarian. It isn’t who I am, and I don’t want that label. I’m from a small town; I’m not a city boy.

So what is “home”? My hometown is Yellowknife, and after being away for almost 10 years I still miss it, but it is the place that I miss; the memories of the good times. I don’t miss the people. Is home defined by people or can it be defined by a place?

When I lived in Calgary, I called it home. It was where I lived, and where my family did also. Now I’m married and living in Winnipeg with my wife while the rest of my family is still in Calgary. Is home here, or back there?

For me, the concept of home has changed a lot over the years. It started with where my family lived, as I was a part of that unit. Then, when I moved out but still lived in the same city, home was my parents’ house. Even when I bought my own place, theirs was still home. Once I got married and we lived in a new place that we bought together, it still didn’t seem like home; more just a place we lived in. Home was still my parents’ house. Since moving to a new city, I feel that we are finally starting our own home. Our house is turning into our home, and I think that will be further cemented when bean is born in October. I know the house that we are living in now will not be our forever house, or even a house we are in for much more than another 4 years, but while we are there, it will be our home. Home is where I live with my wife, with my family. Home is a place that I live with people that I love.

It's going to be...

We're having a Boy! Well, we are pretty sure anyway. We had an ultrasound yesterday morning, and it was the coolest thing in the entire world. Seriously. It was so awesome. He's just floating around in there, spinning around, moving his little arms and legs, just hanging out. And you know what? I did that. Him. Because of me. Seriously, how cool is that?!? It's awesome. I'm excited.

So yeah, we are having a little bean. Some people choose not to share, but screw that, I'm having a little boy! I don't think we'll share the name though(when we eventually choose one). Skippymom and C Lo had some good advice in a comment a couple of posts back about that. It is really easy to judge a name when it isn't attached to anything but the concept of a child. It might not be a concept to me, but it is to everyone else. People are less likely to judge a name when it is attached to an actual baby and they have a point of reference for it.

So there you have it. We're having a cute little baby boy, and I couldn't be happier.

Ultrasound!

Tomorrow morning is our ultrasound where we find out if it is bean or beanette. I'm pretty excited! It'll be the first time I've seen our little bean, and it's gonna be awesome.

I'm not sure what I want more, a boy or a girl. I've always wanted a girl, but since the beginning of the pregnancy I've been torn. Meh, it's gonna be awesome no matter what. :)

Daddy Blog 18/05/09

Names

Naming a child can become a quite the point of contention between soon-to-be parents. Mama Bean and I discussed it a bit prior to having kids, and thought we had one if it was a girl (Sophia Claire), but were at odds over a boys name (I LOVE Arthur, Mama Bean really does not). When we first found out that she is pregnant with bean we spent time throwing names back and forth. There are a lot of really great names out there, though I find I like far more girl names than boys. Lately I've been really liking the name Ezra if it is a boy. It is pretty Jewish, but I kinda like it. It isn't super common, and easy to spell. We also like Tobias (Toby). We are also not even halfway through the pregnancy and my mind will change a million more times. :)

My biggest problem when it comes to naming kids is people that want their little bundle of joy to be "unique" and they figure the easiest way to do this is by giving them some wacked out name, or a name with a "unique" spelling. Seriously, there doesn't need to be 7 BILLION different spellings for every name out there. Those poor kids. You think you are being unique, but that kid is going to be stuck with a constantly misspelled name, or having to continually correct people. That's not cool. I had to do that enough and my name is Christopher! Do your child a favor and don't fuck them up for life by trying to make them "unique." They'll be unique enough, they don't need the additional pain in the ass of a uniquely spelled name.

In 2 weeks (May 27) Mama Bean will be going for her 20 week ultrasound, at which point we have the option of finding out if bean is a boy or a girl. Mama Bean really wants to find out as it will make things much easier for her. Mama Bean is all about planning, and it would make things MUCH easier. On the other hand, I'm sitting on the fence. Part of me really wants to know, as it makes things that much more real, but part of me wants the surprise. Since it is important to Jo, I think we will head down the route where we find out.

Then there is the decision, do we tell others, or keep it a secret? And if we decide on a name, do we tell people, or keep it a secret also? I like the idea of not telling people the sex of bean, or the name we choose. Though slipping up on the gender would be so easy. So maybe we tell people the sex, but not the name. :) ("if we decide on a name by the time the birth happens," jo says) She's so cute.

Daddy Blog 15/05/09

Mama Bean is at almost 18 weeks and today it finally hit me that we don’t really have to worry about a miscarriage any more. Sure the possibility is still there, but for the first 3 months it was a very real possibility and a little fear that was always sitting just under the surface.

Today that fear left me. It flew away like a little bird, and it is really nice to not have that anxiety and stress.

A couple of weeks ago, Mama Bean went in for some blood work that tests for spina bifida and downs. Having a child with physical or mental disabilities is something that has always scared me, and I was never really sure how I would deal with it were that to happen. (We have since received results saying the chances of both are 1/18,000 and 1/32,000)

I’m not unfamiliar with kids and mental disabilities. Growing up in Yellowknife, there seemed to be an inordinate amount of kids with FAS, and I knew a number of families with autistic kids, along with the standard array of students in school with various mental disabilities. These kids always made me uncomfortable, and I never really knew how to act around them. I don’t think there was any particular reason for this attitude, I think it was because I never really associated with them or had friends/family friends with people with disabilities. Lately though, my attitudes about having a child with a disability are slowly starting to change.

There is a couple at our church that have an autistic son in his late teens and watching them has really started to eat away at those previously held fears. When I watch them with him, I see this unwavering love and patience. They love him in a way that I have never understood, and didn’t see very often growing up. Maybe it is because being a dad is in my very near future, or maybe that I am finally old enough to understand that kind of love, but my attitudes are really starting to change. Watching how they love him, how they treat him, just everything about the way they raise him. It just blows my mind, and makes me realize that it wouldn’t be the end of the world to have that happen. There are a lot of people out there that love and raise children with disabilities, and I can imagine that it must be really difficult, but from watching these two, I realize that your world doesn’t end; it goes in a different direction.

I think my spiritual growth is also having a big impact on this attitude change. Accepting that I can’t control absolutely everything, and having faith that I will be able to handle anything that life throws my way because He will never allow us to be tested beyond what we can handle. Now that might sound really cliché, but those words bring me peace. And it’s easy to say things like that when I’m not in a time of tribulation, but I like to think that I’ll be able to keep this faith through the tough times that inevitably come in life.

It is nice to have this improving attitude as it definitely lowers some of the stress and anxiety of having a child.

Daddy Blog 5/12/09

Mama Bean had a test done last Monday to test for down's and spina bifida. It's done around 15 weeks and tests of markers that indicate a possibility of either of the two.

At her midwife appt today, Mama Bean found out that the chances are 1/18,000 and 1/32,000. So yay for a healthy baby (in those respects) so far!