looking glass into me

Sensitive. Am I sensitive? I think so. Others think so. It makes me a better person, a better friend, a better boyfriend, and hopefully one day a better husband. Maybe even better in bed, but that isn’t as important. I hope all of these things are true. That it does make me better. I have always been told that women are sensitive. Men aren’t. Men are brutish. That is what society says, and for he most part it is true. So what happened to me? Why do I have all these feminine characteristics? Does it make me special?

Is it a blessing or a curse?

Most of the time it is a blessing. I like being a better friend. A better boyfriend. The latter being the most important to me. I want nothing more than to be the best boyfriend that I can be. Sometimes I think I try to hard, but for the most part I think I am doing alright. The sensitiveness really helps in that respect. I like being sensitive to other peoples needs. I like making them feel special. Putting them first. I talk so much about putting myself first, about being about me. I am so much talk. Yes, I am important. But others are more important. Life is all about putting others before me. Not just anyone mind you. Only certain people. People like Jo, and Sam, and Andrew. Friendships that mean something to me. I would drop personal things to help them anytime, and I do. So often. It may end up having a negative impact on my life, because I neglected something I should have been doing to help the other person, but I really don’t care. I think that is where my infinitesimal amount of patience and lack of getting stressed out come in handy. Most people don’t understand. Why I do these kinds of things. I have never really thought about it before either. Not like I am know. I really like this whole write things down thing. It is great for the mind.

If I didn’t have ppl to put before me, I don’t know what would happen.

Sometimes being sensitive makes life very difficult. Especially when I need to be put first. When I need someone to be there for me, but they can’t because they have their own stuff to do. Granted, that stuff is important to them. It needs to get done, or whatever. But since I don’t do that, it is hard for me to understand at times. For the most part I do alright, but sometimes I slip, and forget that not everyone is like me. Which is good. I wouldn’t want everyone to be like me. If everyone were as sensitive as I am, the world would be a very screwed up place. It isn’t that I mind being sensitive. It just hurts sometimes. I am learning though. It can be a tough process sometimes, but that is allowed. I think it makes me a stronger person. Being sensitive hurts. I tend to take more things personally, I internalize things, and the worst, I worry. I have these crazy worrying fits. It is awful. I can’t help myself. They just creep out of nowhere, from thoughts and reasonings that are unfounded. It is times like that when I don’t like the whole sensitive thing.

So many people view being sensitive as a one-way street. Sensitive people are great, they listen, they care. But they are also sensitive in their feelings. It takes less to hurt them. At least me anyway. I don’t know where this ‘they’ came from. Just me trying to incorporate others I think. Like when I tell stories, and use ‘you’, when it is a story about me. Something anyone else would just brush off might bother me. It is really annoying. Some people are really good at taking this into consideration. People that realize and care about you. People like Jo. She is the most amazingest when it comes to being sensitive. I think it is because she is a sensitive person herself.

So is this all about self-pity? Is that why I am writing this? I think that is what it is coming across as. Though all I am trying to do is discover who I am. Not like it really matters, I am just writing down my feelings at this particular juncture. I had never really thought about it until Mama Bean said I was sensitive yesterday on the phone, and how it makes me a better person, boyfriend, etc’ I think that was one of the best compliments I have received in a long time. It was really sweet. Like I am sure other people notice, but it is nice to be told.

I think I like feedback. And belonging to something. I think that is why I wanted/want to join the army. Because I would belong to something. A community. I would also get feedback, on everything I do. I would either get yelled at or praised. That is what the army is all about. I think I am all about that. I love people telling me how I am doing. What I can improve. I want to be the best I can be. Man, I sound like a commercial for the American Army. But it is true. All through school, I loved it when people told me how I was doing. In swimming. Not so much in weightlifting. Though this one little boy in the change room after teaching lessons told me something that is my driving force behind working out. I was standing there in my shorts, taking off my lifeguard muscle shirt, and he was standing on the other side, and asked, ‘Are you a muscle man?’ In that little boy voice, full of admiration. I will never forget that. I have never felt more special then I did at that moment. Well I have in different ways, but never like that. I was thinking to myself, ‘I work out for me, but it is comments like that that keep me going.’ See if it was an older guy or something that said it, like the guys here do all the time, saying I am a big guy, or man are you huge, it wouldn’t have been a big deal. At the time I hadn’t really noticed that I was gaining much size. This little guy woke me up to the change. I loved it. One little boy’s comments. Changed my life.

I love this writing out my thoughts and feelings thing. I used to do it on paper, but it was so much slower. I couldn’t write them down near as fast as I can think. I can’t type fast enough either, but it is a lot better. I can see some of the things I say as not making a lot of sense to other people, or causing them to think I am a nut, or selfish or what-not. But you know what? That is okay. These are my thoughts. So if anyone reads this, and doesn’t like it, they can ask me right? Maybe I am taking a risk by writing certain things. Anybody can read this, I figure if they want to read what I think, Yay! But don’t read too much into things. Now I am just rambling, about absolutely nothing of any importance, though most is this probably is, to others anyway, well, some to me too, but I enjoy it, and I will continue to do. It is like a looking glass into me. The real me.

I am glad I am a sensitive person. It makes me the person that I am. I can feel good about myself, knowing that I am putting others before me. Making them feel special. Yes, it sucks getting hurt, but I deal with it, learn from it, and move on. I can’t dwell on things or it would kill me.

What is with Christianity and focusing on the fall? I don’t understand this. God created us. For that we are good. Yes we fell, but that is why Jesus came, TO SAVE US! So we are fine again. Good. I just don’t understand this whole unworthy stint. How is a self-defeating attitude like that healthy? I don’t think God wants us to be like that. He made us in a like-ness of Him. Does that not make us good? Not unworthy. How can we be unworthy, He created us. He wouldn’t go and create something that is unworthy. And we are supposed to convince other people to come to Christ with an attitude like this? I think ppl that think like that need to open their eyes. Like is good. We are good. Y? ‘Cause God created us. The other day in chapel, our prez. Of student council was telling us about this dream he had, about a year ago. They were like visions or something. Like alright, it was all well and good, realy emotional for him and others. But he said he looked up at one point, to the feet of Jesus on the cross. But he couldn’t look any higher, he wasn’t worthy enough to look at God’s awesomeness. Y not? I think we can look Him straight in the eye. He created us, why would he not want us to look at Him. It is like in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, where God comes out of the sky, and they are all averting their eyes and saying they are unworthy and God says He is sick of that. It is just like that. This whole relationship with Him, how these people view it, is like a master and slave relationship, like in the 1800’s in the states. That is not the kind of relationship we want, nor is it the kind He wants, that I am sure. He is this amazing, awesome, kind God. Not wrathful or whatnot. So why then would He not want us to look at Him. To talk to Him, as almost equals. Yes, He created us, and for that we are eternally greatful, but did Adam and Eve not walk with Him, and talk to Him whilst in the garden? They must have looked at Him. Seen His face. I am just sick of this whole self-defeating thing. We are not going to win others to Christ in this manner. Nobody wants to be unworthy. We need to start feeling better about our selves.

Just some thoughts. I am still trying to work it out in my head. One day it will come together. Maybe I could find some books on it’.Hmmm’

Random thoughts:

Walking through the ghetto at 5:30am is scary.

Winter is finally here. Yay! We finally have crunchy snow, and it is cold. Maybe soon I will get into the Christmas attitude. I haven’t yet and it kinda sucks.

I miss Mama Bean and can’t wait to see her.

Relationships are all about communication and dialogue.

Why can I not have a considerate roommate? One that knows how to close the door when he leaves, if I have it closed. One that doesn’t walk around sounding like a herd of elephants.

I am hungry, I think I am going to go for lunch.

I don’t like days when I don’t get to hear the sound of Jo’s voice.

I was going to write this one, and not say anything about what I don’t like about the world. So much for that. Maybe next time.