Progress...Yay!

Mmm....to be in love. It is such a wonderful thing.

Running is getting progressivly easier. I am now able to run the whole route, that just 2 weeks ago I was barely able to run 1/4 of. That is amazing. They are going to be shutting the bridge down over prince's island park begining april 15 for a month or so due to construction, which means I am going to have to extend my route to the center street bridge. I am not sure if I am going to be able to handle that. It may require some walking to begin with, but I should be able to handle it. They want me to be able to run 5k before going to basic, and I think I have a long way to go. I am not even sure how far it is I am running right now. At present, the goal is to run 2.4k in under 13 min. I don't even know how far it is I am running now. Oh well.

I have found a really sweet tattoo design that I would like to get. It is from Oz. It is an abstract sort of crucifix, cept there is no cross, it is just the body of Jesus as if nailed to the cross. It is all in black, and it really cool. I want to find a picture of it.

missing

I miss you. I missed you when I woke up yesterday morning. I missed you all day yesterday. I missed you last night before I went to bed, and in my bed. I missed you again when I woke up this morning, and looked forward to seeing you tonight. I saw you tonight, and I still miss you. I don't know where you have gone, but I will wait patiently for your return. Just know that I love you.

I don't like this feeling of helplessness. It scares me. I just don't know what to do...except love you.

You are the most beautiful thing in my world and my life. Now, and always.

My Day

2003-03-26 ~~ 1:39a.m.
Late Night Discourse

It is now after 1:30. I have been sitting here talking ito Topher since Mama Bean left at 11:30.

I enjoy talking to him. It is stimulating. I always walk away afterward beliving stronger in my Christian convictions. I am learning to stand up for what I belive in. To not back down and admit defeat. I am also more knowledgeable now. It it fun to sit here and discuss questions and ideas. Things I hadn't previously thought about.

He brings up things that I have never thought about, nor need to. Everyone has things that they think about. There are lots of things out there, it is quite overwhelming. We need to prioritize otherwise it can just rn us over, consuming us, takeing us away from that which is more important.

Topher seems to bring out the evangelistic side of the Christianity in me, which isn't a bad thing.

If we go to heaven, and heaven is wonderful, and there is no bad/evil/negative, then what is the basis of judgment for good and bad? How are we to discern? Would it not all just become mundane? I am thinking now, but this is causing me to wonder...

Is Topher, and others, bound to remain non-Christians for the rest of their lives? Is it possible that God has created some people that will never become Christian? They are bound for an eternity of despair and hell? Thought they don't know it because they don't believe it? Why would God create ppl like that? Doesn't he want everyone to come to know Him? Hmmmm... I think Calvin has something to say about this, I will have to look into it.

Why are there so many ppl out there worried about the more complex philosopies of life when they don't even know the basics? Why are there ppl studying Revelation when they should be more concerned with the Sermon on the Mount, the basis of Christianity.

I don't want to go to bed. Going to bed means waking up, which means having to go for a run. Something I am not looking forward to. But something that I must do. I have just over a month until my physical and I have to be able to run 2.4km in under 13 min, do 19 push-ups and 19 sit-ups. I am 20 years old and in the worst shape of my life. How could I have let myself slip this far? I am not even that bad, but to me it is awful.

What is belief? Do we need to believe in something for it to exist? Maybe not, okay, no. But still...

Christianity gives a purpose to my life. If I turn out to be wrong, then it won't have been a waste. My life has a purpose. Something to fulfill my life. Something to strive for.

I have so many thoughts and ideas. They fly through my head faster than I have time to write them down.

Some ppl use this diary for thoughts, others to record what they have done during the day. Problems in their lives, or just to record things. I used to think that I wasn't doing this right. But there is no right. I can write whatever I feel like.

This is my own little soapbox.

*smile*

2003-03-26 ~~ 1:03p.m.
Morose, Despondent

I don't know what is up with me today...I have been up 4 hours and have done nothing productive. I have a list of things to do, and yet I haven't done any of them. It isn't as though I am tired, or sick. I feel like I should be doing something, but I don't want to. Though I don't want to just sit here either.

I am getting scared about my army physical. I am doing my pushups and situps everyday but I am not improving. Not noticably anyway. I know it has only been a week and a half, but I should be noticing something. The only thing improving is my running, and I hate running. I really need to pass this test and get in. If I don't, I don't think I will be able to pay for school...

Scary.

2003-03-26 ~~ 3:00p.m.
Fucking Fitness Industry

With the huge fitness craze that our society is now in, fitness club memberships are going through the roof, and so are the membership fees. In order to keep up with the growing number of fitness-crazy people, facilities have to expand and grow, costing more money, and thus keeping the membership price increasing. So where does that leave the people that can't afford to join these big fancy fitness clubs? At the Y, there is a 1 month waiting period to get in to talk to someone about subsidy for membership fees. Shouldn't that tell them something? That if this numbe rof people need to apply for subsidization, there is a problem.

Weightlifting is one of my passions in life, and when I can't afford to go to a fucking weightroom, for a minimum price and hassle, there is a serious problem.

We are being bombarded everyday with messages to get healthy. How are we able to do this when we don't have access to the most basic of facilities.

One should not have to be a member of the elite to be a member at a fitness facility. Nor should they have to pay out through the ass.

Fitness clubs are becoming/have become a status symbol. Something that should not have happened.

So I am gonig to tell the Y to blow it out there multi-million dollar asshole, and spend my initial $125 membership fee on a new pair of runners or something for my bike, and hit the trails.

Fuck them and their righteous, up-tight facilities.

I just don't get it

Why is drinking/being drunk an excuse to cheat on your significant other? What gives them the right to inflict pain and hurt on other people? Just because they were drinking? It was the fault of the alcohol? So why put yourself in the situation in the first place? Know your limits. Know when enough is enough and you can still think clear enough to control your actions.

It seems like people don't want to take responsibility for their actions. The moment of fun/passion is worth more than the grief and pain afterwards. Does this really make sense?

It is one of those things that I do not, nor ever will understand. I will always be faithful to the one I love. I made that decision the moment she said yes when I asked her out. I just don't understand. It hurts to see others hurting themselves and those close to them.

I might sound self-righteous or whatnot, but, I just don't know. Does anyone understand?

Well the war has now begun. What now? Hmm...A huge waste of life and resources. Then, when it is all over, they are going to help rebuild the countries. Does that really make sense?

Twists and Turns

Yay! I got in!

And yet another chapter begins in the crazy, twisted, messed up life of Christopher. Though this time there are some really big changes.

I am joining the army, I am going to SAIT, my jo is leaving the country. Where I am going to live, or work has yet to be determined. I just hope things like funding and such come through for me. I just have to have a little faith.

So Yay!

love; pure, simple, and true.

Having a caring, loving, understanding girlfriend makes all the difference in the world. Someone to place my hope and trust in. It makes life so much easier. It makes love so much easier.

I thank God everyday for her, and pray that our relationship continues to grow and strengthen.

She is so wonderful.

Thank you.

I love you my dear.

Forever and ever.

i just don't know

I realized today that some things require a lot of will power. For example, I began the process today of whipping my lazy, out-of-shape ass in to shape today. I did this by running. I hate running. But I have a goal, to join the army and excel. It was this goal that kept me going, pushing myself until I didn’t think I could go any farther, and continuing on. It was brutal. But I did it. Willpower is a strange thing. You don’t know how much there is until you push it to the limit. Only then to do find out, but even then every time you push it to the limit you get a little more. This is a good thing to know. I can do things that I set my mind to. If not the first time, I know to push myself harder the next time.

I have been really struggling with the concept of church lately. Whether it is just because I am becoming disillusioned by the whole thing, or if there is actually something (I know there is a word that goes here, but I just don’t know what it is. I want to say theologically, but that isn’t it) wrong with it. I just don’t seem to be getting anything out of it. I get more from just reading the Bible and contemplating what I just read. I am not really getting anything out of Tim’s class on Revelation either. There just isn’t anything there that captures my attention. He gets all excited about it, as if it is a scary thing, that should set us back on track. I don’t look at it like that at all. To me it is one of the less meaningful books. It is about the future, or the now, depending on how you view it. I just see other books so much more pertinent to our time. Things like the Sermon on the Mount. One of the most analyzed couple of chapters of the NT, yet so many ppl don’t follow it. I had never read it before this last Sunday. There is so much in there that I can apply to my life. I have felt ‘spiritually dry’ lately. Everything I have been hearing or reading is either below/beyond or doesn’t interest me. It sucks, because it feels like something is seriously lacking in my life. I am not sure if it is because I am doing/not doing something or what.

Alpha isn’t really doing anything for me. I am not learning anything new about the Christian faith. Not really anyway. I have learned about other people’s views on the subject and how I don’t agree. But that is the lovely thing about Christianity; there are many views, all which can be correct.

I really hope I wake up soon, snap back into it and begin to live again. I don't know how to do that, hopefully it will become apparent. This is beginning to suck. g'night

Army and the Bible

Well I have decided to join the army. It was a tough decision, one I hope is the right one. The biggest drawback is being away from my Mama Bean for 2 months, in the final few months before she leaves. But it will enable me to go and visit her more often during the school year. Something I otherwise would not be able to do. That is a REALLY good thing. I will make $5000 in the 8 weeks I am gone, and I have a guarenteed summer job for the next couple of summers. PLUS...i get $2000/yr back from my schooling. So i think it is a pretty good trade off for 8 weeks away from my girl.

What makes the bible sacred? Because the church said so? Why are the books in the bible God inspired, but the other books, the apocrypha not? Why did they not make it into the Bible? Because the church said so. Well not the church, but ppl from the church. Church is not a "god thing." Not getting together as a group of christians, but getting together for an hour, sitting around, listening to someone and waiting for the sermon to end so that we can go home. That is not what God created. yet this is what decided what books would be in the bible. Soo....what makes the books in the bible more important to the Christian faith than books like Thomas and Maccabees?

These are just some prelimenary thoughts on the subject.

G'night

Another step forward

Sometimes I just end up going on, ranting and raving and making absolutly no sense. Like last night. About the whole starvation thing, with iraq and ethiopia. i guess everyone has to have their own fight. I can't go bashing other peoples'. I realized that today. Peace is good. So is fighting starvation. To each his own.

I sold my car today. Yay! Guy came and looked at it and came back and hour later and bought it. $800 hard cash. Sweetness. That will save me lots of money.

I also think I got into SAIT today. I have to call and make sure. The e-mail I received was kinda cryptic. That would be another wonderful thing. Today has been an alright day.

Night

Iraq v. Ethiopia

Why is it that around the world, people are dying of hunger? Or thirst? Or basic problems like diahrrea? What is the problem? All the while, we are sitting over here, being...selfish. We don't care what is going on over there. Not really. Not enough to do anything. Sure there are people that think they care, but not really. They will sponser a child through some company like World Vision with 1/6 or less of the money actually makes it to the other side of the world, and even less makes it to the child/village where it was intended.

How is it that we can live in a society like this? A world like this?! It is depressing. We live in a world of convenience. One where w/n minutes we can have a fullmeal, albeit from a fast food joint, but that is enough to... It is all so frustrating. Hundreds of people are dying everyday in Ethiopia right now, in the worst famine in years. And what are we worried about? Whether or not the US is going to go to war, and innocent people are going to die. What about all the innocent people that are dying in Ethiopia? Or any other 2/3's world country right now. What makes the people that are going to die in Iraq, and the Americans so special? WHAT THE FUCK!?!??! Just because the killer is hunger makes it less noticeable than a bullet, or a missile? Because the killings weren't ordered by another person? Sure they were. The order to kill these people in Ethiopia is send out everyday, bt everyone one of us living in this "civilized" western world. I just want to cry.

The media doesn't talk about it because it is old. It has been going on for so long. People dying of starvation isn't anything new. It isn't something we can stand behind/against and do something about. It is because we are the killers. We are the ones killing them. By deprieving them of the very things that they need to survive. Adequate drinking water, food, medical supplies. All things we have in excess and we throw away daily. Think about the amount of waste we have.

The amount of money spent on militay preparations. The amount of money spent on peace rallies. Yay, finally another reason to waste resourses. Lets protest the killing of innocent women and children. Lets send millions of letters to the gov't and other useless shit. Bags of rice. Rice that will just get thrown out. Yes it is a statement, one that needs to be made. There is nothing wrong with anti-war protests and whatnot. But why is there such a hype over innocent pple dying now? There are ppl dying all the time. All the rice that is being send to washington and wherever else, is just going to end up being thrown out. The amount of rice that is being sent to gov't officials would be enough to feed lots of ppl. Now if that is not wasteful I don't know what is. Sure it is to protest the starvation and shit that is going to happen t those in the middle east if a war breaks out, but what about all the people dying right now? Places where there is no war. Just a shitty place to live and to be born into.

What makes us so special? What have we done to deserve life, and to condemn others to death? Other than to be born in this country.

I am done ranting. All I know is that this war, and everything to do with it, anti and pro, is bullshit. Yeah, it is a cause to stand up for now. Sure war may be averted and the innocent ppl of the middle east will live another day, but after the hype dies down, ppl will go back into their homes, and live their lives until the media hypes another contreversial event up and they have a reason to come out and protest. All the while, ppl will continue to die not due to bombs, and war, but due to famine, and droughts. No, it isn't as glorified, but it is still death. Something that can be prevented.

I waste lots, live a comfortable life, and I enjoy it. But I need to wake up to the problems of the world. Open my eyes and see what is going on. I really have no clue what I can do. I like this way of life. I like the comfort. But thinking about all those ppl that don't have it. That are dieing because of my excessiveness. It really makes me sick.

I know I have gone on about this before, but sometimes it just sneaks up on me, and really bothers me. I wish there was something I can do.

That is the end of my rant.

G'night.

Annoying CBC People

Lately, CBC people have been annoying me. I don't know why. Eveytime I talk to someone that I used to live with/spend all hours of the day with, they just annoy me. I don't know what it is. The way they talk? What they say? How they say it? Their attitude? I am not sure. Alistair annoys me, but then he always has, it is just more so now. Talking to Matt annoys me, even talking to Sam annoys me. I don't get it.
I get to see Jon tomorrow. I am very excited about that. I haven't seen him in almost 3 years. We are driving up to Edmonton in the morning, and coming back on Sunday. Elena's play also sounds like it is going to be lots of fun. I am also supposed to see Sam.