my life...

I have a bad habit of making shitty life decisions. I finished high school, was supposed to go to school in Red Deer, but backed out saying I was going to work in Europe for a year. Came back after 2 weeks because I'm a big suck and couldn't handle the homesickness. I came back and worked some chicken shit jobs for a while, landing a decent trade job, but quitting after 6 mo because I was bored and had decided I was going back to school in the fall because I wanted to become a Personal Trainer. So I dropped a whole shitload more cash to go there, moving out of my parents house, and ended up saying this is a shallow bullshit profession 3 months into my course and giving up. I didn't even write my exams, walking into one of them and telling the prof that his course was a load of bullshit and writing my name on the exam and walking out. Then I decided I was going to continue with my Millwright training that I had started in high school, taking a 4 month, $5000 millwright pre-employment course, and upon completion couldn't get a job. Even though the other guys in my class applied at the same places, had no experience, and got jobs, because they were all over 30. I went to Bible College, loved it, though missed my girlfriend, so I dropped out after a semester saying I didn't have any money and came back. So then I worked some more chickenshit jobs, even masquerading as a receptionist at a hair salon for a while before deciding that I really did love bible college, and really wanted to go back, and the course to getting there involved spending 2 years at SAIT doing Computer Engineering Technology. I do the 2 years, graduating 2nd in my class only to find that it was a complete and total waste of money, and it can't get my shit for jobs. Even those it can get me don't pay worth shit and if I wanted to do the job that I originally went school so I could do, I need to study my ass off because school didn't prepare me for it and spend $300 US on these exams only to get a job that pays $8-10/hr. Though I'm sure I'd enjoy it, I can't afford to make that kind of money. I have 10 grand in loans to pay off. I want to buy a fucking house. I almost did until I finally came to the realization that I just can't afford it on the kind of money I make.

And the job I do have doesn't have any staying power. The turnover rate is less than 3 months. If you do last that long, most ppl are either promoted or let go. It is a decent place to work, and my immediate supervisors are decent for the most part, but management is full of useless fucking assholes. I swear if one more person talks to me like a little kid I'm going to fucking lose it. I didn't spend all this fucking money and time to end up doing this shit and having to deal with these fucking people that think they are better than me because they have degrees or are bigger fucking computer geeks than me. Fuck them!

I just want to fucking go back to bible college, get my degree and be a pastor. Get my master's and PhD and teach. That's all I want. Why the fuck can't I make the right decisions, in the right order to achieve that. Why must I continually fuck things up?

And now I start night shift tonight which I signed up for b/c it has a 10% shift premium, but am dreading it. Just like I dread almost everyday that I go to my job. I've never had a job that I've been nervous about going to after the first couple of days. They have quotas, and ppl need to be helped NOW. And when they do give you shit, it's always in a round-about passive aggressive way.

So this morning I looked into going back to college, since I'm not moving for the next year so I can save some money to buy a house. Only to find out that tuition has almost doubled since I left and they offer very few evening and weekend courses, and of those they do offer, none are of any use to me. It is now 675 per course, and they are only offered during the day.

What the fuck is going on?! Why isn't anything falling into place like it was supposed to? I just want to become a fucking pastor. I just want things to work out.

Oh, and since CBC has become AUC (Canadian Bible College to Alliance University College) things have just gone down hill. Now they are a fucking "Liberal Arts College". And offer bullshit courses like business administration, and Introduction to theater. It's supposed to be a fucking bible college. A place you could go and immerse yourself in the Christian Bubble, and pop it for some people. Not a place where you come into class and have to smell the stale smoke on the person beside you (CBC used to be smoke-free). To get in you used to have to write a big application, complete with admission letters, and statements of faith and shit. It is supposed to be a place where the future leaders of churches and missionaries go. Not just fucking anybody.

Yes, I know, have faith. God has a plan. Everything in God's time, not mine. His will be done. And yes it will. I know it will. It is the waiting, the trying to figure out what it is I am supposed to be doing. How I am supposed to get there. I just want to cry. But I won't. I'll play everquest. I'll lose myself in this fantasy world so I don't have to deal with this. I'll allow myself to escape for an hour or so. Escape from all this shit. Escape from the pain of missing Jo. Fuck do I ever miss her.